Not that desperate

So yesterday, I was kind of sad. I felt emotional. I felt like crying. People were talking about Valentines Day and ordering things for their boyfriends and girlfriends. This one guy had a specific order exactly the way he wanted it for his girlfriend and that’s when the sad happened. I was thinking…I wish I had a guy who would want to order something extra special for me. I mean…I never used to be like that or think that way. But it seems the older I get, the more it creeps my mind. And now, people are coming out of the woodwork. Someone I work with wants to set me up with her nephew. This is exactly how she described him. Anti social, not that good looking, but very sweet. I’m sorry. Call me a snob, but…

 

I am not settling for mediocrity. I don’t see the point in even doing something like that. A blind date for my first date? I don’t think so. I’m not saying my first date has to be important. But…when it’s right, I’ll know. And my belief is it has to happen naturally. I want to meet the man face to face. I want to feel the sparks. Not a full 4th of July firework special. My expectations aren’t THAT high. But they say when you meet the person, there is an attraction and connection. Maybe not always physically, but..am I asking for too much to want to feel that when I meet someone?? I’ve only been on this earth 28 years. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for. HAhaha. And I don’t want to do any dealings with someone I hardly know. I’m not that desperate……..

 

I was reading the book of Ruth today and it encouraged me. I’m waiting. Praying and waiting. I think that in the right time, it will happen. I hope. But I don’t have peace about it.

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External meet Internal

Today my pastor spoke a message mainly for women. Something I already knew but obviously needed to hear again. Internal beauty is far more important than the external. You see, my whole life, I have always been concerned with the external for the most part. I thought that is all I was. So I was obsessed with appearance. Dressing in trendy clothes, wearing makeup at an early age. Dying my hair since the age of 18. Trying to find the inner core of me. But I have been reprioritizing recently and have added more balance to that. While working on the outside, an inner side has been developing. I’ve been working on my heart. I’ve been trying to do more things for people. I’ve been trying to watch what I say, even though I don’t often. I’ve been trying to find the heart of God. When I picture myself with God,  I do see a spiritual like body but I often wonder what he sees. Is everything else on face and body blurred but my heart? Is that the main focus of me, because I think it is. He has a way of putting a mirror to our hearts. What is inside that is what truly counts in a person.

You can be or see the most attractive person, externally, that is and when something evil comes out their mouth, can be looked as ugly. Looks are so deceiving. I have known many people in life that were so gorgeous, they could’ve been models, but they lacked character. I am not excluded in this judgment whatsoever. “Charm is deceitful. Beauty is vain. But a woman who fears the Lord will be praised.” I want someone to be attracted to my character, rather than my hair or clothes or jewelry. Not to say that it’s not nice to be admired for what you look like. But if that’s all the attraction is based on, it will lead to a shallow friendship or relationship. Thus, emptiness. There is far more to life than looking perfect. The problem with society is that we seek perfection and vanity. I believe that the outside can be traced to what’s on the inside. I believe that’s why people develop illnesses sometimes suddenly. People that have heart conditions were rooted in something wrong with the inside. People who are bitter and hold grudges can become ill. That’s why it’s important to cut out the weeds that will keep you from maturing in God. Cutting out relationships or even friendships, which seem ok in your eyes, not in God’s and that stunt your own growth. I had held bitterness for a few years back. Even before then. And that bitterness took a mind of it’s own and formed into a food addiction. I was punishing myself for what others had said and done to me. My bitterness didn’t make me better. Just made me more bitter. But bit by bit, I am letting that go and not holding onto it. Whenever someone does something wrong to me, I just say..Ok. They’ve sealed their own fate. I leave it in God’s hands. I don’t let other people’s actions change me anymore.

I choose to be better. We are all responsible for how we handle things and how we react. And when we let people control us by their actions, we are simply surrendering our will to the devil. I’m not gonna do that. That would defeat the whole purpose of casting my cares on Christ. So a heart operation is needed on all of us. Thank God he has the power to do that. I hope he does an overhaul on me. I am trying, bit by bit, to be the person I was made to be.

It seems like I…

It seems like I am stuck in a rut. I don’t know how it got this way, but I am. Some things in life, even blessings can take a toll on you. They feel exciting in the beginning but then nature runs it’s course and fatigue takes place. Mediocrity seems acceptable. All I know is I am thankful for what I have and I refuse to let life pull me down. And I refuse to let my head talk to my heart. I’d rather have my heart speak. 

The thing is…is that I haven’t been acting my best. I feel like a letdown at times. I’m a Christian, but this doesn’t mean I’m perfect. It doesn’t mean I won’t act the way I shouldn’t. But it also doesn’t mean that God can’t use me. I don’t think I’m better than anyone else. I’m not better, but I know that I try. I feel bad when I know I’ve hurt someone’s feelings. I know what it’s like to be burned. I’m insecure like everyone else. I bleed just like every one else. Sometimes I feel like I have something to prove. I hate having flaws, but I’m trying to constantly tell myself that it’s ok to have them. People say I’m beautiful and I say thank you. But deep down, I don’t really feel it to be truth. I have a beautiful heart and beautiful eyes. But the rest of me feels like a misshapen ball of clay. 

I’m still being molded. I’m still being put through the fire. Hopefully what comes out will be gold. But until then…I have to do what I have to do and God will do the rest. 

Fate? Or fiction?

See, lately, I’ve been thinking of things. Things in my life are slowly aligning. I have a new job, which I love. I mean…yes it’s basically typing data into a computer program, but that is my forte. So…I’m good. I’ve been so excited. I feel like this job is a part of something bigger than I even know of. I feel like this part of my life is another stepping stone. To lead to what, I have no clue yet. I know that God wants me to live and succeed in what He’s called me to do. I am keeping my eyes focused on him, but sometimes they steer in another direction. 

 

That direction is the idea of having a relationship with someone. You see, I have yet to have “had” a relationship, per se, which someone. I think that is something that I do, indeed, want. I already have a relationship with my Creator. I have a relationship with the world. I have a relationship with my dog. I have a relationship with my parents and my friends and church. But there is still a lacking in my life, that will possibly be filled one day. The touch of a man. I’m not talking a touch, like a tap on the shoulder, I mean like the comfort of a warm hug. A hug of love. A tender touch. The essence of a kiss. Just strong arms I could be wrapped up in and feel safe. That’s what I do feel with God.when I close my eyes. I feel that warmth and that embrace. But any person can relate to that I’m sure. Especially a woman can relate. Because we’re emotional creatures. We relate things to emotion. I’m feeling emotional right now and it’s probably all a part of my nature. I’m tired of fighting that. I scream, I cry, I fight, I bleed just like everyone else. I was just saying this to myself the other day….Looks can deceive, I want to find a heart that bleeds. Meaning….I want a guy who has a passion in his heart for people. Passion for music. Passion for living. 

 

That is what I have. Passion. 

 

So it’s funny that I’m talking about this, because there is possibility in the air. There is a man who I have not seen or met, but people I know have told me that he looks similar to Michael Trucco, who is an actor that is EXTREMELY good looking. Tall, handsome, dark hair, fit, etc. I did not get to meet him that day. I was being interviewed at the time he walked in the building. This was last month. Anyways, I said out loud, God…if you want me to meet him, arrange it. Make it happen. So this happened today. The same people who saw this man the last time were there again. One of the people was my Dad. He loaned the guy some change for a 20. I mean…it’s funny how time manages itself to have my Dad be there at the same building at the same time the mystery guy was there. I don’t know if it’s fate or fiction, but it is definitely is a tad strange. Maybe I’m making too much out of it, but the dreamer in me hopes something will happen…IF it’s supposed to. If he’s married, gay or engaged, then there is way less of a chance, but..I’m just trusting God in all of this. It’s been a long time since I had a mystery guy. We’ll see. Until then..adieu.

 

Live your live in passion.