Hmm. Not so sure. Because you can’t be really good friends with someone that is married. You have to be careful and have boundaries out of respect for their spouse. And then being friends with someone you have feelings for and their feeling for you isn’t mutual. That friendship goes sour. Or if you are friends with a guy who has a girlfriend. Again, boundaries. Or…friends with a guy who has a toxic friendship with his ex (been there, done that). I would like a platonic friendship with a guy. It has not been something I have had in a long, long, time. Sometimes it is just nice to get a guy’s perspective and take on things. I do have one good guy friend, but he lives in a completely different state and is engaged. So, again, boundaries. Maybe I should put out a personal ad. Female seeks male friend. Oh, God that sounds either like a rom com movie or a desperate scripted plea on some Katherine Heigl movie. Hmm. I guess men and women can’t really be friends, unless I’m proven wrong.
He knows my name…He knows my every thought…He sees each tear that falls…and He hears me when I call. I love that song!! It sums up everything my Father feels for me and I for him.
All my life, I have felt like I have never measured up to what I was supposed to be. I measured myself worth by my weight, my face, my hair, my clothes, my aspirations, etc. I have always compared myself to others. I still struggle with that sometimes. I have insecurities, just like everyone else. When I look in the mirror, I try to see what He sees in me. But I didn’t do that in the past. I had to be the skinniest, the prettiest, the most talented. I thought I could find acceptance in that. When people would compliment me, I wouldn’t take it to heart. My expectations for myself were too high. I thought…Nope. If I don’t look like a celebrity, I’m not pretty enough. If I miss up on a note or key when I am singing, all my talent is useless. If I mess up on the job or do something wrong, I constantly beat myself up to no end. That is a terrible mentality to live in and it wreaked havoc in my mind. I could never measure up.
When things didn’t work out with a guy, I would think “I must not be good enough.” “I must not be pretty enough.” “My nose is too big.” “I’m too young.” “I’m too old.” “I’m too pure.” “I’m not short and petite.” “I’m not smart enough.””I’m not blonde. “I don’t dress stylish.” I would always point the finger at myself. Without fail, I would blame me. Even when I lost 100 pounds 3 yrs. ago and was looking great, I still didn’t measure up!
Now that I am getting older, I am getting more clarity. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because I will always, always, have someone that loves me more than anyone in the world. Jesus Christ. And that completely changes my perspective on things. Is it wrong to improve what He has given me? No. It is our duty to take care of the temple He has given us. It is our responsibility and it shows our appreciation for this creation that we are. When it becomes an obsession is when you have to put the brakes and say…Wait. Our body, our image can become our idol. When we look at ourselves in the mirror, what do we see? Do we see a broken nose, wide set eyes, thin lips. Or do we see a person who is not just made of flesh and bone. But of God’s spirit. Do we see ourselves as spiritual warriors? Do we see ourselves as “more than a conqueror.” Do we see ourselves as vessels for God to speak through, heal through.” Do we see our lips speaking HIS words. Our eyes seeing HIS vision for us. Our hands as a way or praising HIM and lifting them in surrender. Our feet walking where HE has called us to be and do.
Beauty is skin deep. Beauty is beyond skin. God makes me feel beautiful. Even when I don’t feel that way.
I have always wanted a guy that loves me for me. Not that loves me because I portray “perfection.” Perfect body, perfect face is unattainable. It is ok if I gain a few pounds. It is ok if I don’t always measure up to my own standards. It is ok if I do have a candy bar and NOT kick myself for it. It is ok if I sing one note off key or drop my books in front of a stranger. I struggle with things every day. But I do not let it control me anymore.
My weight loss used to be an obsession. I used to eat half an apple and run on the treadmill for 40 minutes. My body became an idol. And when I achieved my goal, I am not proud in saying I worshipped it. I took photos of myself. I felt it was my self worth. But I still was not happy. Lurking beyond the smile in those photos was an insecurity that was eating away at me from the inside.
Bottom line: Ladies and gents…do not measure yourself! Do not measure your waistline, do not measure yourself by your looks, do not measure yourself by your talents. Your self worth can ONLY be found in knowing who God is. We are made in His image. His image must become our idol. Not our own.
He knows your name. He knows your every thought. He sees each tear that falls. And He hears you when you call.
I really feel strongly that God wants me to start singing again. This morning He said to me…Do not squander what I have given you. And I have been. It says in the Bible if we don’t use the gifts He’s given us…we will be judged for that. Wha..?? I don’t want to disappoint my Father. I am going to start using these gifts again. In fact, whatever gifts He has blessed me with. Photography, singing, acting…in whatever way I can I will use. I remember living in California and filming a lizard. I was actually chasing this thing like a paparazzi. And it was entertaining to me. I find entertainment in sometimes the smallest things. I have a Nikon I have only used on a few occasions. A wedding and pictures of my first hike with my best friends. I miss capturing moments. And I do miss singing. I never really gave it up. I have sung in many churches and I enjoy that. But I feel the need to cultivate it just being alone with my Father first. And I find that when I sing…I don’t just sing. I flow in the Spirit. So many times, I hate singing, cutting off for time reasons and then starting up a new song. Let the music flow. Let the lyrics flow. I find that when I sing also…God’s words speak through me. It turns into prophecy. The singing and prophecy are intertwined. God is doing a new thing in me and I am excited to see what He’s going to do through me!!
Today…God was speaking through my singing and He was saying “Rise up O world. Rise up all ye nations.” It is time. It is time to arise. All the dead bones. All the ones who are spiritually dry. Rise up!!
So tonight I went to go see a friend. Long story short…she didn’t want to be hacked and murdered from someone on Craigslist. Case in point: Never trust anyone on Craig’s list (have we actually known or met this “Craig”, who “supposedly” wrote a “list”?) I digress. We were having long discussions about life and passions. She had an epiphany while at a social worker conference about helping the poor and needy in a bigger way. We were discussing our dreams to help the greater good. She said I love poor people and I love working with them!! I said…that people who are less fortunate tend to have a grateful attitude and are very humble. We could learn from them. An attitude of gratitude. She said that it says in the Bible to feed and clothe the poor and needy. But we cannot fix all of their problems. And I agree with that. We can only do much for the human body, but not the soul. The rest is for God to finish the work He began. He indeed does the work and uses us to help finish it. Not completely. We are kind of the middle men(women) if you think about it. He started the work. We help in the middle. And He finishes it.
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
She said she would like to interact more with them. Even if that means living like them. She is willing to pick up and move wherever he wants to. Her husband is in total agreement with her. I told her that is honorable in God’s eyes. I said that most people don’t think of God as spontaneous. But he totally is!! Sometimes God will ask us to drop what we are doing and start doing what He wants us to do. I am very connected to the Holy Spirit and when He speaks to me. When he tells me to do something, I don’t question it. I know it’s Him. It could be something simple to something extremely hard! But I do it. I am at that place where I could just pick up and leave. I don’t like being too comfortable in one place. It’s kind of a dangerous place to be in. Where you are too comfortable. I don’t believe God wishes that for us. He wishes for us to be constantly moving (not always location wise). I’ll never forget when God told me…”The things that make you comfortable will eventually make you miserable”..
So true. Complacency is a dangerous thing. And then it becomes boring and mundane. I want to live life with purpose!! Not so much plans. He knows the plans He has for me. To prosper, not to harm. But to give a hope and a future. I think His plans for us don’t depend so much on actual plans. The plans are having no plans whatsoever. To just be open minded. To pick up and move. Or maybe to plant yourself in one place for a period of time. I had a “Ruth-like” moment and said. “God, where you go, I will go. Where you want to stay, I will stay.” I had this plan a long time ago, that I never followed through. I would’ve went to the Hillsong School and took up singing and worship leading. I love to worship. I live to do that. And I said..“God, I am open to doing that. To flying out of the country, going to a completely foreign place. But if you want me to stay and be rooted here, doing what I am called to do, so be it.” So far, He has not given me a sign to move anywhere. Especially out of the country. So at this moment…I feel that I am supposed to be here. I don’t know why He wants me here. Nothing has worked out the way I planned. In fact, the opposite. But you have to remember. God’s plan sometimes involves no plans. Sometimes, He just wants to equip us for the actual plans He has for us. Sorry if that is confusing. What I’m basically saying is…that He works in mysterious ways. Ways beyond our comprehension.
I want to help people. I love people of all ages. I love kids. I don’t have any. But my friends do and I am Aunt Mare to all of them. Do I long to have children some day? Absolutely. I love babies, toddlers, teenagers, adults, elderly. So here was THE plan for my life.
I lived in California for 4 years and never went to one audition. I really believe God took the desire away from me. Looking at it now, that world is so superficial and empty. I want no part of it. Although I do get an itch once in awhile. The singing thing…I still sing. I enjoy it. I think it is part of a ministry I will have one day. I have always wanted to be a worship leader. I love photography!! A dream of mine would be to just travel around, live out of my car, drive to wherever I could take great pictures. Photographers seems so carefree and they really are visionaries.
I gave up on the arts a long while ago. I still have those qualities and do express them on a daily basis, but not to make money. I am talking WAYYYY too much here. My point is…we can have our own dreams. But when we put down our dreams and let God’s dreams become ours and we are in sync and align with His will…that is where we will find true happiness. I haven’t reached that point yet. I hope to one day. I keep praying and praying for the day where I discover what He put me on this Earth to do. I think it is this:
1. Love God with all my heart, soul, and mind
2. Love others with the same love He has shown me.
Ok. It has been awhile. A long LONG while since I’ve written something on here. But I feel the need to unburden myself. I like to think that I hate a grateful attitude. I have all my limbs intact. When I was in church, worshipping God, I said to him. “Thank you God that I have ears to listen to your word. Thank you for my lips to praise you. Thank you for legs to dance for you. “I couldn’t thank him enough. The night before, I felt anything but grateful. For awhile…if you know me, you know the singlehood has not always been a cakewalk for me. Most of the time I love being single. But there are some days where it hits me. Oh em gee. I am single. Single like a 40 something year oldest bridesmaid “always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” (Btw I am not 40) This is how I see myself on those days. I know, that’s a wretched way of looking at it!! Paul says that it is a gift. Yeah 90% of the time, it feels that way. However…the 10% plagues me. I don’t let it consume my life. I was watching a movie last night and I am not gonna lie…it made me sad! I longed for the love that this woman found in her movie!! I want to be wooed and pursued! No one knows what it is like to be in this woman’s shoes. I am of the “marriageable” age (so they say) and I have those desires to one day marry a man. But not just any man. The man God has for me. I read something on pinterest that said “I just pray I am not waiting for a love story that isn’t possible.” I hope I am not either.
I know I’ve been cynical, due to past experiences. But I have reason to start having doubts. Questioning myself, questioning men. I have never had a relationship, but I have had experiences where I felt used and been hurt by that. Little damage was done. I was always the girl FRIEND not the girlfriend. The friend zone is a tricky place. I didn’t guard my heart as well as I should have. I always pursued what I wanted instead of who God wanted. I think I was giving myself mixed signals, and mistaking it for God’s voice. How caught up we can get in our own minds, instead of dwelling on His. I blame not only myself for these distractions. I blame the media. The world’s view on love and relationships is the opposite of what it should be.
They say…if you want to find a man, here is what they do. And then they give a visual checklist. This is basically what it is.
1. Dress provocatively ( I don’t do that)
2. Laugh at his jokes even if you don’t find them funny. (In other words, be fake.)
3. Wear red lipstick and different scents to get his attention. (Vanilla and coconut)
4. Sleep with them to keep them interested. (Dumbest theory ever)
This sets women up. Every magazine article, every show on tv, movie, etc. brainwashes us. It tells us we have to pursue them. Ask them out. Do the hunting, when in fact, men are created to be hunters. It is the way God wired them. But for us to take that role from them not only emasculates them, but also gives them the option of sitting back and not giving anything to the relationship.
A woman’s heart should be so lost in God, he has to seek Him in order to find her.
I don’t want to settle for ordinary. God’s love for me isn’t ordinary. It is extraordinary. It is extravagant. It is an all consuming fire that burns through every vein in your body. I’ll admit. I have given up to a point. I have done all the things the world told me to do in the past to hook a man. Only resulting in failure and heartbreak. So for the past 5 years, I have laid back and let God be the designator. The navigator. I laid down the pen and gave it to him to write my love story. Years ago, I have read “Wild at Heart” ( I actually bought one of my crushes the journal in an effort to win him over. Didn’t work.) But I believe that book may have helped him find his true love. So maybe that was the purpose of our friendship. I have to look at these things in the positive light. The reasons why these past men have not worked out, because they weren’t the right ones!! I’m going to stop focusing on finding the right one and start becoming the right one. Sure, I can still take interest in certain guys. But the dealbreaker is: Are they truly one of God’s men or are they not willing to search for Him at all? You can tell a guy’s heart by how he talks, writes, says, does, walks, etc. I used to be willing to settle for: “Yeah I believe in God.” Great. What else ya got? Uh….
I don’t want to be with a guy who will follow along with the crowd. I don’t want to be a guy who isn’t willing to talk about the things of God or how he perceives the world. I don’t want to be with a guy who lacks passion. You need passion to start an adventure. And I am ready for an adventure.
I want a guy who will take me on spontaneous trips and get me out of my comfort zone. I want a guy who will help me see this beautiful world we live in. I want a guy who will help me stay spiritually strong, especially in these perilous times. I want a guy who will support God’s will for me and help me reach my fullest potential. I want a guy who will look into my eyes and see beyond my skin. I want him to look at me so strong that I can know how he feels about me. I want a guy who is following God’s heart.
Things I long for. I long to take long walks on the beach and…(Gosh that sounds like a personal ad lol). But I like to take walks and talk about the things that make me feel alive. I would like to take lunch to my favorite guy and take care of him when he’s sick. I would like to go to church together, come home, and make an awesome lunch or dinner with him. I would like someone I can cuddle with and spoon (yes I said spoon) when I am feeling down. I would like to have a running partner and fitness buddy! I would like to have long discussions about philosophy, politics, and religion. (Not that Christianity is a religion, duh) I hope this man exists. If he does…where is he? I’m ready to send out a detective to find out where he’s hiding. Is he lurking in a tree? (like in Benny & Joon). Did he get hit by a bus? Or is he just waiting for me?
Wherever you are, future husband, I vow this. I will keep living a life that is respectful and full of honor. I vow to take care of myself and become the woman you need me to be. I vow to pray for you and hope that when your heart is heavy, for you to lean and trust on God and his ways. I hope you keep yourself pure and honorable. And even if you aren’t right now, there is forgiveness and grace.