Ok. It has been awhile. A long LONG while since I’ve written something on here. But I feel the need to unburden myself. I like to think that I hate a grateful attitude. I have all my limbs intact. When I was in church, worshipping God, I said to him. “Thank you God that I have ears to listen to your word. Thank you for my lips to praise you. Thank you for legs to dance for you. “I couldn’t thank him enough. The night before, I felt anything but grateful. For awhile…if you know me, you know the singlehood has not always been a cakewalk for me. Most of the time I love being single. But there are some days where it hits me. Oh em gee. I am single. Single like a 40 something year oldest bridesmaid “always a bridesmaid, never a bride.” (Btw I am not 40) This is how I see myself on those days. I know, that’s a wretched way of looking at it!! Paul says that it is a gift. Yeah 90% of the time, it feels that way. However…the 10% plagues me. I don’t let it consume my life. I was watching a movie last night and I am not gonna lie…it made me sad! I longed for the love that this woman found in her movie!! I want to be wooed and pursued! No one knows what it is like to be in this woman’s shoes. I am of the “marriageable” age (so they say) and I have those desires to one day marry a man. But not just any man. The man God has for me. I read something on pinterest that said “I just pray I am not waiting for a love story that isn’t possible.” I hope I am not either.
I know I’ve been cynical, due to past experiences. But I have reason to start having doubts. Questioning myself, questioning men. I have never had a relationship, but I have had experiences where I felt used and been hurt by that. Little damage was done. I was always the girl FRIEND not the girlfriend. The friend zone is a tricky place. I didn’t guard my heart as well as I should have. I always pursued what I wanted instead of who God wanted. I think I was giving myself mixed signals, and mistaking it for God’s voice. How caught up we can get in our own minds, instead of dwelling on His. I blame not only myself for these distractions. I blame the media. The world’s view on love and relationships is the opposite of what it should be.
They say…if you want to find a man, here is what they do. And then they give a visual checklist. This is basically what it is.
1. Dress provocatively ( I don’t do that)
2. Laugh at his jokes even if you don’t find them funny. (In other words, be fake.)
3. Wear red lipstick and different scents to get his attention. (Vanilla and coconut)
4. Sleep with them to keep them interested. (Dumbest theory ever)
This sets women up. Every magazine article, every show on tv, movie, etc. brainwashes us. It tells us we have to pursue them. Ask them out. Do the hunting, when in fact, men are created to be hunters. It is the way God wired them. But for us to take that role from them not only emasculates them, but also gives them the option of sitting back and not giving anything to the relationship.
A woman’s heart should be so lost in God, he has to seek Him in order to find her.
I don’t want to settle for ordinary. God’s love for me isn’t ordinary. It is extraordinary. It is extravagant. It is an all consuming fire that burns through every vein in your body. I’ll admit. I have given up to a point. I have done all the things the world told me to do in the past to hook a man. Only resulting in failure and heartbreak. So for the past 5 years, I have laid back and let God be the designator. The navigator. I laid down the pen and gave it to him to write my love story. Years ago, I have read “Wild at Heart” ( I actually bought one of my crushes the journal in an effort to win him over. Didn’t work.) But I believe that book may have helped him find his true love. So maybe that was the purpose of our friendship. I have to look at these things in the positive light. The reasons why these past men have not worked out, because they weren’t the right ones!! I’m going to stop focusing on finding the right one and start becoming the right one. Sure, I can still take interest in certain guys. But the dealbreaker is: Are they truly one of God’s men or are they not willing to search for Him at all? You can tell a guy’s heart by how he talks, writes, says, does, walks, etc. I used to be willing to settle for: “Yeah I believe in God.” Great. What else ya got? Uh….
I don’t want to be with a guy who will follow along with the crowd. I don’t want to be a guy who isn’t willing to talk about the things of God or how he perceives the world. I don’t want to be with a guy who lacks passion. You need passion to start an adventure. And I am ready for an adventure.
I want a guy who will take me on spontaneous trips and get me out of my comfort zone. I want a guy who will help me see this beautiful world we live in. I want a guy who will help me stay spiritually strong, especially in these perilous times. I want a guy who will support God’s will for me and help me reach my fullest potential. I want a guy who will look into my eyes and see beyond my skin. I want him to look at me so strong that I can know how he feels about me. I want a guy who is following God’s heart.
Things I long for. I long to take long walks on the beach and…(Gosh that sounds like a personal ad lol). But I like to take walks and talk about the things that make me feel alive. I would like to take lunch to my favorite guy and take care of him when he’s sick. I would like to go to church together, come home, and make an awesome lunch or dinner with him. I would like someone I can cuddle with and spoon (yes I said spoon) when I am feeling down. I would like to have a running partner and fitness buddy! I would like to have long discussions about philosophy, politics, and religion. (Not that Christianity is a religion, duh) I hope this man exists. If he does…where is he? I’m ready to send out a detective to find out where he’s hiding. Is he lurking in a tree? (like in Benny & Joon). Did he get hit by a bus? Or is he just waiting for me?
Wherever you are, future husband, I vow this. I will keep living a life that is respectful and full of honor. I vow to take care of myself and become the woman you need me to be. I vow to pray for you and hope that when your heart is heavy, for you to lean and trust on God and his ways. I hope you keep yourself pure and honorable. And even if you aren’t right now, there is forgiveness and grace.