He knows my name…

He knows my name…He knows my every thought…He sees each tear that falls…and He hears me when I call. I love that song!! It sums up everything my Father feels for me and I for him.

All my life, I have felt like I have never measured up to what I was supposed to be. I measured myself worth by my weight, my face, my hair, my clothes, my aspirations, etc. I have always compared myself to others. I still struggle with that sometimes. I have insecurities, just like everyone else. When I look in the mirror, I try to see what He sees in me. But I didn’t do that in the past. I had to be the skinniest, the prettiest, the most talented. I thought I could find acceptance in that.  When people would compliment me, I wouldn’t take it to heart. My expectations for myself were too high. I thought…Nope. If I don’t look like a celebrity, I’m not pretty enough. If I miss up on a note or key when I am singing, all my talent is useless. If I mess up on the job or do something wrong, I constantly beat myself up to no end. That is a terrible mentality to live in and it wreaked havoc in my mind. I could never measure up.

When things didn’t work out with a guy, I would think “I must not be good enough.” “I must not be pretty enough.” “My nose is too big.” “I’m too young.” “I’m too old.” “I’m too pure.” “I’m not short and petite.” “I’m not smart enough.””I’m not blonde. “I don’t dress stylish.” I would always point the finger at myself. Without fail, I would blame me. Even when I lost 100 pounds 3 yrs. ago and was looking great, I still didn’t measure up!

Now that I am getting older, I am getting more clarity. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because I will always, always, have someone that loves me more than anyone in the world. Jesus Christ. And that completely changes my perspective on things. Is it wrong to improve what He has given me? No. It is our duty to take care of the temple He has given us. It is our responsibility and it shows our appreciation for this creation that we are. When it becomes an obsession is when you have to put the brakes and say…Wait. Our body, our image can become our idol. When we look at ourselves in the mirror, what do we see? Do we see a broken nose, wide set eyes, thin lips. Or do we see a person who is not just made of flesh and bone. But of God’s spirit. Do we see ourselves as spiritual warriors? Do we see ourselves as “more than a conqueror.” Do we see ourselves as vessels for God to speak through, heal through.”  Do we see our lips speaking HIS words. Our eyes seeing HIS vision for us. Our hands as a way or praising HIM and lifting them in surrender. Our feet walking where HE has called us to be and do.

Beauty is skin deep. Beauty is beyond skin. God makes me feel beautiful. Even when I don’t feel that way.

I have always wanted a guy that loves me for me. Not that loves me because I portray “perfection.” Perfect body, perfect face is unattainable. It is ok if I gain a few pounds. It is ok if I don’t always measure up to my own standards. It is ok if I do have a candy bar and NOT kick myself for it. It is ok if I sing one note off key or drop my books in front of a stranger. I struggle with things every day. But I do not let it control me anymore.

My weight loss used to be an obsession. I used to eat half an apple and run on the treadmill for 40 minutes. My body became an idol. And when I achieved my goal, I am not proud in saying I worshipped it. I took photos of myself. I felt it was my self worth. But I still was not happy. Lurking beyond the smile in those photos was an insecurity that was eating away at me from the inside.

Bottom line: Ladies and gents…do not measure yourself! Do not measure your waistline, do not measure yourself by your looks, do not measure yourself by your talents. Your self worth can ONLY be found in knowing who God is. We are made in His image. His image must become our idol. Not our own.

He knows your name. He knows your every thought. He sees each tear that falls. And He hears you when you call.

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