it’s complicated….

For some reason, the Holy Spirit reminds me of things. I always hear him the most clearly when I shut off the distractions. Computer, cell phone, tv, etc. The noise keeps me from hearing. The noise of what the world tells me. The noise of technology. Sometimes I wish I was in a place, maybe a cottage. Where there is no tv. Technology free (except cell phone in case of emergency). Where I could just sit, relax and listen to absolutely nothing. Read and write. I am a city girl, mostly. But I love the quiet. And I embrace quiet time more and more. 

Anyways, I was thinking about this. Some people I know have Facebook statuses and they are 

1. single

2. in a relationship with _______

3. it’s complicated

4. in a civil union

5. divorced or separated

6. married

Sometimes all six have represented my relationship with Christ. There are times where I”ll say “I want to do my own thing, God. Just give me my space. I’m just going to be in a relationship with myself.” (single)

Then I’ll say “I’m in a relationship with you and only you. No man could ever measure my love for you.” (in a relationship with ___) 

Then I’ll say “Well, God. I want a relationship with you but you feel like a million miles away. This feels long distance. Or…God I know you love me but I’m still kind of looking. I’m not sure about us yet.” (it’s complicated)

Then I’ll say “Ok. God we live together but I’m just not ready for a full on commitment.” (in a civil union)

Then I say “Ok, God. I give up. This is not working out like I thought it would. Maybe I would be better off being separated from your love, which I don’t deserve anyway. “(separated or divorced)

After the whirlwind of my relationship with Him, I finally surrender and say “Ok I am in this. I am fully committed and there is no one else I would rather spend the rest of my days with. It won’t be easy, but it will be forever.” (married)

Most of the time, it’s complicated. I hate that it is. Because I love Him with all my heart. But I can’t see him. I can feel Him, but it’s not as if I can literally feel his hand every day. I see His hand working in my life. But a physical sort of contact. No. And I long for that. That’s probably why the same desire is in me to have someone. Because a Godly relationship should be like a physical Christ like relationship. So this is why I go back and forth sometimes. God I see you. But can I also hug and embrace a guy like I would want to embrace you too??

The thing is..we were created to love one another. Not always in the romantic sense. But we were. So this is a natural desire that I have, that I try to ignore if I possibly can. However, I have eyes. I have ears. I have had several romantic encounters with Jesus, that had nothing to do with physical touch. There have been times where I have felt something close to physical touch and it was beautiful. And I treasure those moments forever. I said “I do” to him a long time ago. And I feel like I have to renew it over and over. It is something I have to keep working at. Do I ever get tempted to turn? I used to and I’m sure I still will have those days. But he keeps me on the straight path. If I am interested in someone, I first think “Ok, God. Is this going to be an attraction or a distraction.” I feel like right now I am dealing with a distraction. Not a bad one necessarily. But if I think about that person more than God, it is a distraction. And I am fighting it. Which probably means I need to push my way through to Him again. 

I know God has someone for me. But I’m not thinking about it half as much as I used to. I’m aware of things. And meanwhile, I am still concentrating on the plans He has for me. A praying man/woman is in touch with God’s plans. I still don’t know what his plans for me are. I would love to travel all over the world and sing worship music. Is this His plan? I don’t know. I would imagine His plan would be to spread his love all over the world in the form of something. Be it music, missionary work, etc.

Anyways, as I close this post, God has been reminding me some reason of a dream I had once. I think He gave me this dream to keep holding onto his promises. I am entering an arena. I don’t know if it was a concert. But I am walking down the steps of this huge arena and people are shouting. And they know who I am. And it appears that I am to be joined by someone. The audience knows who it is, but I don’t. And I am stunned and shocked to find out who it is. I see a flyer that someone hands to me. And it is has my name and these other guys names. I don’t know if it’s more than one. I wrote this dream down somewhere. And they are all chanting my name like they know what the surprise is. Very similar to the end of “Never Been Kissed.” Where he flies down the steps of the bleachers to come down there and kiss Josie. (Chick flick alert!) But yeah this was the dream I’ve been reminded of recently. I don’t know what it means, but…I’m sure it’s a surprise. God knows I like be surprised 😉 

 

 

Dating shouldn’t be a mission…

So I decided to try to watch the movie “I’m In Love With A Church Girl” tonight. I don’t normally watch Christian movies because well…let’s be honest. A lot of them are lame. That sounds like a harsh critique, but come on. Most Christian movies are so “Hallmark”. I cannot stand Hallmark movies. Or Tyler Perry movies. The endings are so far fetched from truth. I know movies are fiction based. But..at least make them more realistic. I can’t relate to the cookie cutter stories. (Perhaps why I go for the adventure/action genre more and more.)

I digress.

I watched the movie. And while it had Christian-like elements to it. I found some things disturbing. When I see a Christian girl portrayed, I would hope to relate to it. And I am not wanting to come across judgmental. But…this girl he fell in love with. She exercised no judgment whatsoever in guarding her heart. Here are the problems I had with the movie and then I’ll explain my take on why.

1. She dated someone who was not a Christian. He appeared to a nice guy with past crimes and went to church when he was little. I’m sorry. That does not qualify as someone for a Christian girl to date.

2. She did not guard her heart. I’m sure there were repercussions along with that in the story. She fell too fast. I mean…she video messaged him the next morning after they met. And then went on dates with him. Went to his house. Alone. The dude was a former gangsta. You would trust to be in house by yourself?? I think that was stupid on her end. (Boundaries!!) She didn’t really know him well enough to do that. What if he had pulled a gun on her or one of his friends forced themselves on her? Like, did that ever cross her mind?

3. She showed way too much cleavage. You can be modest and sexy at the same time. I think your body is a gift and it shouldn’t be unwrapped except for the man that you have married.

Basically, the movie felt like missionary dating. Which is something I don’t agree with. It sends a mixed message to young and older women out there. It’s saying “Hey. You can date a non Christian and after all hell breaks loose, then he’ll get saved. Dating shouldn’t be a mission. It shouldn’t be our motive. I agree with dating. I don’t agree with dating just any one.

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

They even mentioned this Scripture to him. She said if they both go to church and focus on God and keep Christ the center of the relationship, then it would be ok. Uh…say what?? Oh honey child, Mama didn’t teach you right then. Then he said ok. Then he made excuses in getting out of church. Because some guys will say anything to get and keep the girl. Yeah, sure baby. I’ll go to church. But the real motive for them is to win  the girl. Some are only after one thing.

I had a similar experience. There was this guy I met at church camp. I thought he was very attractive. He played guitar and tried to woo me. He played guitar for me under the stars one night. We lost touch after that. He kept in touch with my friend and didn’t keep in touch with me. Anyways, we did get back in touch and he wanted to “be friends.” I’m pretty sure he had only one idea on his mind. Yes, he agreed to go to church with me. Only as a ploy to win my affections. I hope I planted a seed in his heart, but I remained true to my purity. I knew I didn’t want to fall for him. And it’s a good thing. Because who knows what might have happened if I started dating him. He had feelings for me and told me. I didn’t know what to say. I don’t know what I said. My head and my heart were fighting with each other. I thought…well…he did go to church with me. And he does like me. Maybe it could work. But the more I talked to him, the more I realized what his mission was. And I ended it.

So, yes, there are pitfalls to missionary dating, ladies. Don’t fall for it. Don’t listen to that lie “Maybe I can change him. Maybe I can be Christ to him.” We as women, are a little weaker when it comes to guarding our hearts. A real man of God would protect you and your heart. I used to be so careless with my heart. I used to throw it at any guy who would give me attention. And I was foolish and careless. I learned through the tearful nights and the struggles. Now that I am older, I have a new perspective on things. And while, yes, it is hard being single. It is probably the thing that keeps me sane. I see so many women get into relationships and a) It doesn’t work out and b) They feel like throwing in the towel, thinking no one will ever love them.

And if you are in that position, let me tell you. Keep waiting. There are days where surrender feels easier. But I know in my heart of hearts that I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am kept for a reason. I am kept for someone special. Who that is, I have no idea. But I will not, repeat NOT, settle for less than what God wants for me. And you shouldn’t either!! Let’s stand strong, sisters. And guard our hearts. It is the most sacred vessel in your body. I let Jesus inhabit my heart and since then, I have never been the same.

I have been tested with this new job. I see a guy here and there. And while they are attractive, there has to be more than that to keep my attention. I told the ladies at work…Looks fade. Character lasts forever. So true. I do desire a Christian man to bring into my life and my heart one day. Until then…I will keep growing as the warrior princess I intend to be. And protect my heart in the process.

…fear….NOTHING

With my new job, I find new tests. I did take tests. But I’m talking a different kind of test. The test of fear. The test of trust in my Abba Father. You see..(and this is baring my soul here) I deal with anxiety. Anxiety in talking on the phone to strangers. The first day I was on the phones for customer service..I panicked. I would wake up at odd times in the night. Sometimes at 5 a.m. Even 3 a.m.!! Knowing I could only fall asleep for a few hours. Tossing. Turning. It was like violent waves, even as I was sleeping. I was in the midst of a storm. My bed might as well have been in the middle of the ocean. That is how I felt. I would lay there in panic with a tormenting thought of “I cannot do this. God you gave me something I cannot possibly handle this time. You said you won’t give me more than I can handle.” Truthfully, at the time, I didn’t feel capable. But He is. It is not my strength, it is His inside me. I know that now. But let me tell ya. Fear is paralytic.

fear

Friday morning…I had a panic attack before I went into work. Knowing I was going to be by myself on the phone the second half of the day, I freaked. I bawled my eyes out and couldn’t breathe well. Little breaths taken, followed by waterfalls of tears. There are few times where this happens, but it happened that day. My parents prayed for me. I didn’t want to listen to any of their advice. Because what they didn’t know…there were whispering voices that said…”Get out. Get out before it gets bad. You need to cut loose!!” That was usually my way of dealing with things. Running away from them. But, if we are honest with ourselves, we cannot truly escape our problems by running away. Those problems come back to deal with us, wherever we are. You cannot run from fear. That is what I wanted to do. My parents prayed hard for me that morning. They made me some chamomile tea. And I went in to work. I had to rush there because of the time it took to calm me down. I went in. Totally faked that I was ok.

For the first half of the day, I was sitting next to my buddy. Because of my day yesterday and all that had happened…I was more calm. She was in the driver seat that half of the day and I was able to help her. Yesterday, she helped me when I was taking calls. Thank God. Not that we don’t have support in the form of managers, leads. But during that time, we have to put the customer on hold for only so long. And they can’t get to you right away. Anyways, I digress.

Long story short, Jesus took over that last half of the day that I was on the phone. I think the tea did give a calming effect, but I seriously think that Jesus took the wheel. Literally. I was texting my best friend on my lunch break and she gave me the best advice. She was encouraging and said I am a conqueror. I can do this. And to picture Jesus right there beside me. And that is just what I did. I pictured Jesus right there with me, helping me face my fear. The paralyzing storm. Now I know how the disciples felt when they were on the boat in the storm and they were panicked. But…all Jesus had to do was say..”Peace be still.” Did he not give me that same power to pray against the storm. To speak the opposite of how it looks? That day was about 90% better than the first day I was on the phones. I was more confident. I was at peace. And another lesson I have learned/am still learning is that it is ok to be human. It is ok to make mistakes. And if it doesn’t work out, God has something better. But he puts us in places where we are weak,so He can equip us. I pray before I go into work. I put on the whole armor of God. I plead the mind of Christ. And I pray for favor in every call that comes my way. I know it won’t always be easy. But with God, I can conquer.

Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. “-Jeremiah 33:3

Perfect love casts all out fear. His love is perfect. My love for him is unfading. It is eternal. I may not always show it. Or believe in it. But it will always be sealed in my heart..permanently.

FEAR NOTHING. “YOU ARE MORE THAN CONQUERORS THROUGH HIM WHO LOVED US.”

CONQUEROR

cave

This is inspiring me to make a list of all the things I feared that I would like to do or face!!

Further…and further…

It is a good thing to occupy my mind with something other than relationships during these holidays. It doesn’t consume me, these thoughts. But having a lot of time on my hands not working, the mind can wander aimlessly. Jesus is so good to me though. His promises stay true. His word never fails. He has given me a job. Hopefully one, I can excel at. Will it be hard? Yes. Will He have my back? YES. I love the fact that I have other things to think about on this holiday. 

I got a cush job at Amazon. Great pay, training, great leaders and team. It seems like a great company. I am still dealing with insecurity and the fear of failing. As we all experience that. Especially when you’ve been unemployed for awhile. But…I firmly believe that God would not bring me this far to fall. I’m going to have to lean totally on the Holy Spirit. Because my feelings tell me I can’t do this. My heart says…keep trying. So that is what I am going to do. I do have to work on the holidays. But I’m sure that it will pay off. Literally 😉 I am going to put my best foot forward. 

You Are Not a Leah, You Are A Rachel!

Many stories in the Bible are about women. Some I just feel plain sorry for. Leah. Leah was always the second choice, never the first. She had a purpose, but can you imagine the insecurities she dealt with on a daily basis?? She was the oldest of her siblings, and her dad could not wait to pawn her off on some guy who didn’t even want her!!( Hello? Issues.) She probably always compared herself to her beautiful sister. Have you ever had a sister that you compared herself to, besides Jan Brady. (Heehee that’s a really old tv reference)

I remember I used to compare myself ALL the time to other people. Even when I would go to an airport, I would sit there in my seat. On the plane, a beautiful girl would walk in. Hair in perfect place. Perfect eyebrows and makeup. Thin.  Had a handsome boyfriend/fiancee/husband beside her. And I would sit there, over 200 pounds, comparing every inch of my fat to her 2% body fat. I would sit there and think…Wow my skin isn’t that luminous. I wish I had that color of eyes. That can drive a chick crazy! So I can imagine how nutty Leah felt. She probably thought she would never measure up to what Jacob wanted.

Have you ever felt like a Leah before? I have.

I have played the role of many. But Leah is one I will refuse to be. I have had the insecurities of Leah. I still struggle. Many of us feel sorry for Jacob, who was tricked into marrying her. He worked and labored for the love of his life for 7 years!! And then he was coaxed into marrying the one he didn’t intend to marry. Followed by another 7 years of labor for someone else! So, this woman willingly goes into a marriage and bears children. Nevertheless, with a man she knows deep down will never love her the way she wishes for. What pain. What agony. I couldn’t bear the emotional turmoil of this poor woman. She did bear the most children and Rachel was barren. Still..she always knew he would be in love with her sister. (Sister wives???) And he would probably never look at her the way he did Rachel.

Maybe you have felt this way. Maybe you have tried to earn the affection of a guy who won’t give you the time of the day. Don’t. Maybe, in moments of desperation, you have succumbed to joining the world of online dating. Don’t. Maybe you like chasing guys who have girlfriends. Don’t. Don’t ever do those things. I am guilty of doing those things in the past. I didn’t approach it at all in the way God would have wished me to. I did everything I could to win over these guys’ hearts. Yes, I had/have a heart for God. But, at the same time, I didn’t think He could fulfill this want. This want to have contact and affection from a man. But I can testify, his love, this love is tangible!! I have felt it. There is a distinct thing He does with me. It is personal and intimate. He gives me a literal chill in my back and shoulders. It is a bolt of energy that shoots up my veins. I don’t think anyone could make me feel that way. He makes me feel the same way a wife should feel with a husband.

The moral of the story, ladies, is that you are not Leah. You are not unloved and unwanted. You are a Rachel. You are worth working 14 years for! You are worthy dying for! You are God’s first choice and will always be. He proved it.

Proverbs 31:30 “Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain,
    but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

A virtuous woman is something that should be longed for, more than someone who lives in the ways of the world. You may start out as a Leah, but once you realize who you are and what you are capable of, you will see that you were a Rachel all along!!

Let strength and honor be your clothing. Let your praise to God be your perfume. Don’t adorn your body with fine jewelry as if that is made up of all your self worth. Let integrity be what you clothe yourself in. Righteousness is far more precious than perfection

 

Warrior

Image

I believe that Image

Image

I believe that we, women, are called to be warriors. You see, I have never been the type to just sit in my little seat and just let the man make all the decisions. I mean, yes, I respect and revere them. However…I want to fight my battles. With God on my side, of course! I don’t think warrior is just a male term. I believe there are women warriors out there. I love one of the most underrated characters in the Bible. We don’t talk much about her and I wish there was a movie made about her. Deborah. She was the ONLY female judge in Biblical times. She was also a prophet, a counselor and a wife!! I thought juggling the plates in my hand was hard! She ruled a kingdom and organized an attack. You never see a book or a movie made about Jael! Why?? She was a hero! We only want to hear the pretty stories of women. Women who washed Jesus’ feet, women who were strong, but somewhat subdued. They did push the boundaries. And they did do God’s work. But I like the story of Jael, which is hardly EVER told. Jael did a very heroic thing. She fed her enemy’s general, waited til he fell asleep, and then killed him.

I’m not meaning to sound sexist, by any means. But I can’t help but love the female heroines. They inspire me to keep standing for what is right. I would like to think I am a strong woman. I speak my mind, at the expense of my reputation. People can roll their eyes or mock me. I don’t care. I know what I believe is true and no one can tell me any less. I believe it’s time for women to stop sitting. It is time to fight!!

Women in the world are fighting. But for the wrong things. We fight for our uterus, our “women’s rights”. We need to fight for the truth. We need to fight for God!! We are called for more than what we think. Rise up. Take your sword, ladies! Your sword is your lips. Your sword is your voice. And when you use your lips and your voice to proclaim the word of God…there is power!! Such power. The word is sharper than two edged sword. I received a prophetic word. They said that when I sing…it is a weapon against the attack of the enemy. When I speak, swords fly out and kill demonic forces. I receive that.

Because when I sing, there comes a peace. And I can’t see in the supernatural realm. But I’m sure demons and angels are wrestling all the time for my soul. For the world. We have no idea what is going on behind the scenes, but I am sure there is spiritual warfare happening right now. The times we are living in are short and they keep getting shorter. I told my friend, who is facing battles right now “Remember what to do when you are being attacked. And remember God is fighting the battle. Use the gifts He has given you as weapons against the battles thrown at you.”

I believe a lot of times, we tend to want to fight our own battles. But Jesus fought the battle a long time ago. His blood lives in us and it fights for us daily. I think that in the midst of a storm, God calls us to be still. That is hard, because when things happen we either surrender or want to fight. Remember when Jesus and the disciples were on the boat and it began to storm. He was sleeping! They were awake and afraid. And all he said was peace be still.

Jesus Himself was in the stern, asleep on the cushion; and they woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, do You not care that we are perishing?” And He got up and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Hush, be still.” And the wind died down and it became perfectly calm. And He said to them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?”…-Mark 4:39

We need to learn to be still and walk in peace. He will calm the storm only if we ask Him to. That is where our faith is accompanied by action. So at times, we will need to fight battles, but if we do it every time, we get weary. God fights our battles when we trust in Him.

The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. -2 Corinthians 10:4

We don’t use the world’s tactics to fight these spiritual battles. We use our sword. Righteousness is our weapon. Peace is also our weapon. To be still and let God fight your battle will drive your enemy nuts!! Try it some time. The point of this whole post is that there is a time to fight and a time to be still. Sometimes they are intertwined. And don’t forget you are “more than a conqueror.” You got this. More importantly, He’s got this. Just keep yourself armed.

Heart surgery…

heart2

Today was amazing!!! So unexpected. I never woke up with a thought…”I hope someone heals my heart.” But that’s exactly what happened. I was going to go to my church. I like my church, but there is always something missing. The Holy Spirit. I have never felt strongly about a church in awhile. Anyways, it was live stream and I was watching. They started the praise and worship and I felt a presence, a calming presence come over me. It was peaceful. And then I could see in the Spirit, Jesus was walking right up to me. He took his hand and put it on my heart. Actually both sides. And then he told me to put my hand on top of his. I didn’t feel a zap or anything. But..I knew something was happening. I immediately burst into tears as I had my hand on my heart. Then I felt at his feet. I sobbed and sobbed. And it was as if he was performing heart surgery on me. Taking my heart and literally putting it in his hands. The heart that had been rejected and rejected. The heart that has always been looking for acceptance. The heart that never felt worthy. He gave me a new one.
Grace

Then I lifted my hands.

As I was lifting my hands, it began hard to keep them up. But then I saw his hands helping me lift my hands up. He has my heart and He has my hands. It was a beautiful moment and I won’t ever forget it. I feel like something had been taken out of me. I immediately felt happy and at peace. Thank you Jesus that you have taken my heart, renewed it. And put it back inside of me.