With my new job, I find new tests. I did take tests. But I’m talking a different kind of test. The test of fear. The test of trust in my Abba Father. You see..(and this is baring my soul here) I deal with anxiety. Anxiety in talking on the phone to strangers. The first day I was on the phones for customer service..I panicked. I would wake up at odd times in the night. Sometimes at 5 a.m. Even 3 a.m.!! Knowing I could only fall asleep for a few hours. Tossing. Turning. It was like violent waves, even as I was sleeping. I was in the midst of a storm. My bed might as well have been in the middle of the ocean. That is how I felt. I would lay there in panic with a tormenting thought of “I cannot do this. God you gave me something I cannot possibly handle this time. You said you won’t give me more than I can handle.” Truthfully, at the time, I didn’t feel capable. But He is. It is not my strength, it is His inside me. I know that now. But let me tell ya. Fear is paralytic.
Friday morning…I had a panic attack before I went into work. Knowing I was going to be by myself on the phone the second half of the day, I freaked. I bawled my eyes out and couldn’t breathe well. Little breaths taken, followed by waterfalls of tears. There are few times where this happens, but it happened that day. My parents prayed for me. I didn’t want to listen to any of their advice. Because what they didn’t know…there were whispering voices that said…”Get out. Get out before it gets bad. You need to cut loose!!” That was usually my way of dealing with things. Running away from them. But, if we are honest with ourselves, we cannot truly escape our problems by running away. Those problems come back to deal with us, wherever we are. You cannot run from fear. That is what I wanted to do. My parents prayed hard for me that morning. They made me some chamomile tea. And I went in to work. I had to rush there because of the time it took to calm me down. I went in. Totally faked that I was ok.
For the first half of the day, I was sitting next to my buddy. Because of my day yesterday and all that had happened…I was more calm. She was in the driver seat that half of the day and I was able to help her. Yesterday, she helped me when I was taking calls. Thank God. Not that we don’t have support in the form of managers, leads. But during that time, we have to put the customer on hold for only so long. And they can’t get to you right away. Anyways, I digress.
Long story short, Jesus took over that last half of the day that I was on the phone. I think the tea did give a calming effect, but I seriously think that Jesus took the wheel. Literally. I was texting my best friend on my lunch break and she gave me the best advice. She was encouraging and said I am a conqueror. I can do this. And to picture Jesus right there beside me. And that is just what I did. I pictured Jesus right there with me, helping me face my fear. The paralyzing storm. Now I know how the disciples felt when they were on the boat in the storm and they were panicked. But…all Jesus had to do was say..”Peace be still.” Did he not give me that same power to pray against the storm. To speak the opposite of how it looks? That day was about 90% better than the first day I was on the phones. I was more confident. I was at peace. And another lesson I have learned/am still learning is that it is ok to be human. It is ok to make mistakes. And if it doesn’t work out, God has something better. But he puts us in places where we are weak,so He can equip us. I pray before I go into work. I put on the whole armor of God. I plead the mind of Christ. And I pray for favor in every call that comes my way. I know it won’t always be easy. But with God, I can conquer.
Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know. “-Jeremiah 33:3
Perfect love casts all out fear. His love is perfect. My love for him is unfading. It is eternal. I may not always show it. Or believe in it. But it will always be sealed in my heart..permanently.
FEAR NOTHING. “YOU ARE MORE THAN CONQUERORS THROUGH HIM WHO LOVED US.”
This is inspiring me to make a list of all the things I feared that I would like to do or face!!