it’s complicated….

For some reason, the Holy Spirit reminds me of things. I always hear him the most clearly when I shut off the distractions. Computer, cell phone, tv, etc. The noise keeps me from hearing. The noise of what the world tells me. The noise of technology. Sometimes I wish I was in a place, maybe a cottage. Where there is no tv. Technology free (except cell phone in case of emergency). Where I could just sit, relax and listen to absolutely nothing. Read and write. I am a city girl, mostly. But I love the quiet. And I embrace quiet time more and more. 

Anyways, I was thinking about this. Some people I know have Facebook statuses and they are 

1. single

2. in a relationship with _______

3. it’s complicated

4. in a civil union

5. divorced or separated

6. married

Sometimes all six have represented my relationship with Christ. There are times where I”ll say “I want to do my own thing, God. Just give me my space. I’m just going to be in a relationship with myself.” (single)

Then I’ll say “I’m in a relationship with you and only you. No man could ever measure my love for you.” (in a relationship with ___) 

Then I’ll say “Well, God. I want a relationship with you but you feel like a million miles away. This feels long distance. Or…God I know you love me but I’m still kind of looking. I’m not sure about us yet.” (it’s complicated)

Then I’ll say “Ok. God we live together but I’m just not ready for a full on commitment.” (in a civil union)

Then I say “Ok, God. I give up. This is not working out like I thought it would. Maybe I would be better off being separated from your love, which I don’t deserve anyway. “(separated or divorced)

After the whirlwind of my relationship with Him, I finally surrender and say “Ok I am in this. I am fully committed and there is no one else I would rather spend the rest of my days with. It won’t be easy, but it will be forever.” (married)

Most of the time, it’s complicated. I hate that it is. Because I love Him with all my heart. But I can’t see him. I can feel Him, but it’s not as if I can literally feel his hand every day. I see His hand working in my life. But a physical sort of contact. No. And I long for that. That’s probably why the same desire is in me to have someone. Because a Godly relationship should be like a physical Christ like relationship. So this is why I go back and forth sometimes. God I see you. But can I also hug and embrace a guy like I would want to embrace you too??

The thing is..we were created to love one another. Not always in the romantic sense. But we were. So this is a natural desire that I have, that I try to ignore if I possibly can. However, I have eyes. I have ears. I have had several romantic encounters with Jesus, that had nothing to do with physical touch. There have been times where I have felt something close to physical touch and it was beautiful. And I treasure those moments forever. I said “I do” to him a long time ago. And I feel like I have to renew it over and over. It is something I have to keep working at. Do I ever get tempted to turn? I used to and I’m sure I still will have those days. But he keeps me on the straight path. If I am interested in someone, I first think “Ok, God. Is this going to be an attraction or a distraction.” I feel like right now I am dealing with a distraction. Not a bad one necessarily. But if I think about that person more than God, it is a distraction. And I am fighting it. Which probably means I need to push my way through to Him again. 

I know God has someone for me. But I’m not thinking about it half as much as I used to. I’m aware of things. And meanwhile, I am still concentrating on the plans He has for me. A praying man/woman is in touch with God’s plans. I still don’t know what his plans for me are. I would love to travel all over the world and sing worship music. Is this His plan? I don’t know. I would imagine His plan would be to spread his love all over the world in the form of something. Be it music, missionary work, etc.

Anyways, as I close this post, God has been reminding me some reason of a dream I had once. I think He gave me this dream to keep holding onto his promises. I am entering an arena. I don’t know if it was a concert. But I am walking down the steps of this huge arena and people are shouting. And they know who I am. And it appears that I am to be joined by someone. The audience knows who it is, but I don’t. And I am stunned and shocked to find out who it is. I see a flyer that someone hands to me. And it is has my name and these other guys names. I don’t know if it’s more than one. I wrote this dream down somewhere. And they are all chanting my name like they know what the surprise is. Very similar to the end of “Never Been Kissed.” Where he flies down the steps of the bleachers to come down there and kiss Josie. (Chick flick alert!) But yeah this was the dream I’ve been reminded of recently. I don’t know what it means, but…I’m sure it’s a surprise. God knows I like be surprised 😉 




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