A New Dawn, A New Day

I am so glad it is not over for me! For the longest time, I felt it was. Mid-year, I was quite depressed. My heart’s status was in question. It is not longer. I know who is the one for me, now and forever. It is him. My heart is wrapped in His. At work, I was tempted to unravel the strings a bit. But the feeling always passed. For a reason.

No man is worthy of my heart until he wins it. And he won it years ago on a cross.

No love could ever measure greater than His for me. And so my heart is kept. God knows me better than I know myself. I do believe I will be with someone someday. It’s up to God when that day will be. I believe it will be this year, though.

He clearly said to me. “I have seen every tear since you were a child. Ever tear since a teenager and a young woman. You had questions that were unanswered. I didn’t answer them out of punishment. I didn’t answer them out of love. But your time has come. Your destiny will be revealed this year and come into fruition. Your questions will be answered. The man you are supposed to be with will also be revealed. I am building steel inside you. I am arming you. And even though the fire may come close to your skin, it will not touch. You will not be burned.” 

To me, that said it all. He has been speaking to me, more and more. I feel like the days to come are going to be different. Not good different. Not bad different. But just different than any of the years that have happened already. I am excited. He has renewed hope in me. I feel like physically I’m going to have to prepare. He said to get my body and my mind strong. I will have to fight. Recently, my mind has been going to strange places. In dreams, there is a situation where I am entrapped. Recently, someone had a quest to put me in jail. And I was being fought for. My lawyer wanted to keep me safe in his house. I don’t know what I’m going to face. But I hope to face it like a warrior. Like Katniss Everdeen. I want to laugh in the face of fear or rebuke it.

I feel like the man I am going to be with is also being prepared. I want to be like the Tauriel in The Hobbit sequel. She fought with a sword and didn’t wait for a man to fight her battle. I need a guy who is strong to stand beside me. No matter what demons I might face. I’m pretty sure God knows I don’t need a little ninny Christian man. He knows what I need. He has always known. I am incomplete without with my Father’s love.

On to other things, this new year will bring clarity. Answers to questions. I want to live in the freedom and experience nature. Instead of being stuck in an office, I hope to travel. It doesn’t even have to be out of the country. I would like to take a road trip with someone. Go to the lake. I am determined to have fun this year!! Maybe go on another hike. Take pictures of a beautiful sunset. I don’t want to be chained to some corporate place again. I want to go on a mission trip. I believe I am to go to nations. I need to enhance my prayers. I need to learn a new way of praying. I want to make my prayers more creative. I want the Bible to come to life more than it has. Maybe I need to find a new setting. God show me where to go. I’m willing to take my shoes off and walk in the hot sand blindly. If it means leaving what I know.

tolerance

Tolerance.

Let me first say, I am tired of hearing this word. (Haha call me intolerant). This word has been used so many times. Let me clarify something who throw this word around to their every whim. Tolerance is not the same thing as acceptance. They are two very different things. Tolerance means I don’t agree with it but live with it. It does not mean I accept it. For some reason, our world has been trying to combine these two words and their meanings. They contradict each other. They have two different meanings for a reason.

I can tolerate second hand smoke. That doesn’t mean I accept it traveling through my body. I can tolerate people’s opinions. That doesn’t mean I accept them. I don’t agree with bashing someone for their opinion. We are all entitled to what we think and believe. That’s the beauty of America. I don’t expect people to agree what I believe. You are the owner of free will. But don’t resort to being hateful about it. I don’t agree with gay bashing. And I also don’t agree with Christian-bashing either. This is the reason this country seems to divided. This nation was founded by God. Whether you believe that or not is up to you. And if you do firmly believe that, then you should include him in this nation. Don’t fit God inside a little box. He’s too big, too magnificent for that. And don’t conform Him into the God you want him to be. He accepts and he hates. He also loves. And he has given us the freedom to accept, hate and love. Not hating people. Loving people.

It humbles me when I think of Jesus on the cross. Even in the midst of scorning, mocking, bleeding, He said “Father, forgive them. For they know not what they do.” Personally, if it was me, I would’ve said something like…”God I don’t care what happens to them. They have hurt me, humiliated me. Send them all to hell.” That is the ultimate lesson in forgiveness. I can’t imagine a human saying that to another human. He endured such suffering so that we wouldn’t have to. If it wasn’t for Him, the devil would’ve had all power over us. But someone had to die. Someone had to endure. He died for every gay person, every prostitute, every greedy and corrupt person. This includes us. His dying means we have a second chance. To change. He doesn’t intend women to keep devaluing themselves. He desires purity from them. (Read about Mary Magdalene). He doesn’t intend the greedy to keep and store for themselves. He wants them to give back to the community and to help the starving. He doesn’t intend people to live a homosexual lifestyle. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t want them to be happy either. Gay or straight, people have a way out of not living up to God’s best way. Bottom line, don’t let anyone keep you from the heart of God. Whether it’s a man or woman. He loves you so much. He wants you all for himself.

If we say we are one of his people, but only live by SOME of the Bible that he dictates, then we have put God inside a box. People who love him live by His complete word, without any fragments missing, are truly his children. Do not say you are a Christian and refuse to acknowledge the Bible in it’s entirety. Remember, this is my own opinion, so I would appreciate no bashing. You don’t have to agree with any of this. This is my personal truth. You have to find your own and what is true to you. But I hope in that journey, that you seek and find Christ.

Love to all.

getting kicked..

Part of the battle is learning to deal with the punches. Well, I’m just wondering when they will stop. I mean, on the surface, everything looks fine. Underneath the surface is something totally different. It feels like these holidays are punching my lights out. I try and try. 

I try to do the right things. That doesn’t always happen. I try to be the right person. That doesn’t happen as much as I like it to. Right now…and this is baring my soul..I have never felt more unhappy during this season. I don’t know if it’s a season of purging. Sometimes it feels that way, literally. I wake up always feeling sick to my stomach. And it spreads. I feel sick in my head, my heart. Today was supposed to be my Christmas. Well it has been on punch after another.

The first part of the day was great. I spent time with a great friend for a few hours. I came home, ate a Christmas dinner with my parents, watched a movie. Then bam. Everything was turning upside down. My mother was all of a sudden upset and depressed. We lost someone dear to us two years ago. More personally, it was her mother. That is something that is not easily recoverable. I was depressed because I hate my job and feel miserable thinking about it. I was trying to make some candy and it wasn’t turning out. I went to Walmart for something I needed that they didn’t have. So we were all in a mood and fueling fire. I felt like a grinch today. I mean, honestly, I have no reason to complain. I have all my needs taken care. 

Why does my heart say it’s not enough. I have a job that pays well. But I hate it. And when I am doing something I hate, sometimes it turns me into something I don’t want to be. And instead of fighting back, I keep letting my adversary punch me. 

Honestly, I would love to get into my car, drive and just keep driving. I would love to have the freedom of not going to a job for 10 hours. I would love to go on a road trip with myself, take my camera and take pictures of everything. I never get to stop to look at a beautiful sunset or a perfect wave. I never get to see the majestic mountains and waterfalls. I would love to just go to a quiet place, away from everything and everyone. And just sing and play guitar with no one around. Read the Bible and hear nothing but air and wind. Just in the middle of nowhere where no one can find me.

 

excitement!

Ever since it became clear to me what my path is, I have been having this feeling, Anticipation. Expectation. For more. And I want it now! Now, granted, good things come to those who wait. I feel like I will have to wait a little longer for the next step. I was talking with my friend about this tonight. I was saying that I wished I would have started this sooner. I mean, I am 30 years old. Not old old. But old enough to pursue the destiny that God has called me to do.

I have a job I’m working at right now, which is seasonal for the moment. I like the company and the people. But something is missing. My heart isn’t invested in it. My heart is invested in people and God. But not fully to this job. I am working as hard as I can. Putting my best effort into it. But I want the spark. The spark of being completely happy doing what I do. Like I said, something is missing.

To be fully honest, I have enjoyed singing since I was a little kid. When I was a baby, I couldn’t go to sleep without listening to praise and worship music. I am still somewhat in that mentality. I need music. I need singing. Daily. I need to worship God whenever I have spare time. Do I always? No. I like watching tv, movies. Investing time in my relationships with my friends. Of course I don’t do it ALL the time. But I wish I could. I wish I could spend every waking minute, praising him. Life can get in the way of that when we let it. I think that I will find truly happiness in fulfilling this mission. Not for myself. But I was made to love my Father. I was made to worship Him. I want other people to tap into this amazing adventure with him. Sometimes it starts with music. Sometimes it starts with singing. I find that worship has taken me to yet another level in my relationship with God. I want to do this full time. I want to set an atmosphere where people can find him. In the deepest pit of despair. To feel his arms of mercy when we’ve fallen is the most comforting feeling in the world.

I wouldn’t mind if my life consisted of constant rehearsals and worship sessions. Writing songs. I believe that the husband destined for me will be in this same field. I want a guy who is pursuing God while waiting for me. Because that is where I’m at right now. I am pursuing Him with everything I have while waiting for my future husband. I think he will be a musician, but that is not for me to decide. I wouldn’t mind if that was true 😉 I would love to have a relationship with someone who will pursue worshipping God with me. Someone who is not afraid to be vulnerable and open to a different way of praising. I find myself in a trance when I play my music again. It’s something spiritually different that I have never experienced before. And I can’t wait for that one day when this will come true. God, make this happen in your timing and in your perfect will. Show me the avenue to go down and lead me to the paths.

From the struggle comes strength…

 

 The other night I had a great encounter with God. Usually after I shower and I blow dry my hair, I break into song. I just start singing. Weirdest thing. I get revelation either in the shower or in my bedroom. Anyways, I get out the shower, blow dry my hair and start singing. These words just started flowing. With a melody. So I sang the first few lines. I looked at my keyboard in the corner, which I haven’t played in a matter of months. I started playing, trying to find the tune of this newfound song. I was having trouble. After that, I started playing these repetitive chords over and over. And it became this music and lyrics, as if I was serenading my Heavenly Father. Just me and Him. And he is singing back to me. It was like a beautiful duet, a spiritual duet. It was a priceless moment to capture. I fell into a trance. When I started I looked at my clock. I wanted to go to bed in time for my early morning at work. So I look at the clock. It is about 10:49. I kept playing, still entranced. I look at the clock when I’m done. It was 11:11. I love it when the Holy Spirit takes over a song and time isn’t the focus. I don’t like when people play worship or praise music and put it on a time limit. I realize it can’t go on all night. But…I don’t like timing it. He works out of time, more than in it. After I finished playing, I felt complete peace. I went straight to sleep and it wasn’t interrupted like always. 

For some time, I have had trouble sleeping. For weeks at a time. Waking up at 3 a..m. 5 a.m. I knew exactly what my purpose, what my dream is. To do this. Play music for my Father and help others gain access to his heart through song and lyrics. I’m thinking about going to this school for 9 months to be trained more in this area. 

Lately, since this newfound dream has ocurred, I find myself struggling. Not only financially. But I struggle. 

I try to be: -the good friend who is always there for everyone

                 -the good Christian who is always striving to be the best witness for Christ

                 -the good daugher, helping my parents out in any way that I can

                 -the good employee

It is hard. And I feel as if I’m failing in these areas. But through struggle comes strength. 

When your lips say one thing and your actions say another…

I was thinking just now about what it means to truly love God. I say it with my lips and my heart believes it. Yet I don’t show him this by my actions all the time. Lip service can be empty. Just like noise to make myself sound holy.

He loves/loved me. Not only has he said it. He has shown it. He has proven it. Jesus could’ve forfeited the chance to save my life. But he never did. He risked not only his reputation, but his body. Should I not show him the same dedication? I have struggled with this I”ll admit from time to time. That is a whole other story. And when I”m brave enough to admit this area that haunts me, I will.

But not only is my heart supposed to be a living sacrifice for him. My body is. My words are. My actions. Even at the risk of failure. I have learned to accept that my ways will not always be pleasing, but I sure as heck am going to keep trying. I won’t condemn myself. I will ask simply for his grace to help keep me on the right path. I need him every minute, every day, every hour. People I know, including myself, say they love Him. But not enough to give up old habits. Or not enough to give him 10% of their money. Or not enough to get out of their comfort zone. Or their current relationship.  I’m not saying this to be judgmental or point the finger. But if you love Him, you obey him. I don’t always do that. I can be a rebellious daughter at times.  Sometimes we all keep God as a safe distance. We want Him in our lives, but not to mess them up. Well, I can speak from experience, God wants to mess up your life. Not for the bad. For the good. 

I want to dedicate my complete life to him. To be a servant. To be a worshipper.

Recently, I have been thinking about something. He has given me a gift that I have not been using. But now that He keeps reminding of this. Not only through conversations with my friends, family, etc. But just from him speaking to my heart. I want to go after it. I want to go after it even if it means all of my dreams will not come true. I am open to what He’s calling me to do. Do I go to a school of ministry for this? Not sure. I am open. I am open to being a student and allowing Him to teach me. My mother was sharing with me that school is not the only necessity in reaching this calling. I know that. I just know also that I have not reached my full potential. Recently, I have been working at a job for customer service. While this job has great perks and a great atmosphere, I am still struggling to be happy in it. It’s not that I am not thankful. I certainly am. He provides for my needs financially. But..I am not happy because I feel I am squandering my gift. And I don’t want to lose this gift. The gift is singing and worship.

I was born to worship. .I was born to sing. I was born to dance for my Father. I am not doing this. I want to do it full time. I used to sing at various churches I went to. When I was 7 years old, God put it on my heart to pursue this passion. One night I was riding home with my parents in the car and I just told my mom and Dad…I think I want to sing. We were going to Lakewood Church at the time. When John Osteen was still the pastor. That was my first singing experience. On stage. In front of thousands of people. The size of this congregation did not even phase me, to be honest. The stage still doesn’t scare me. The stage is my home. It’s where I belong. Not for my own personal glory and accolades. But…to be one step closer to reaching the hands and heart of my Father.

If I had to pick up and leave, I probably would. Because being stuck in a desk on a phone or in an office gives me no fulfillment. It’s not human interaction. It’s not passionate. I need to start fasting and praying as to where He wants to lead me after this job ends. Perhaps school. Perhaps I don’t know. It’s all up in the air. My life might truly begin…It already begins and ends with Him anyway.