I was thinking just now about what it means to truly love God. I say it with my lips and my heart believes it. Yet I don’t show him this by my actions all the time. Lip service can be empty. Just like noise to make myself sound holy.
He loves/loved me. Not only has he said it. He has shown it. He has proven it. Jesus could’ve forfeited the chance to save my life. But he never did. He risked not only his reputation, but his body. Should I not show him the same dedication? I have struggled with this I”ll admit from time to time. That is a whole other story. And when I”m brave enough to admit this area that haunts me, I will.
But not only is my heart supposed to be a living sacrifice for him. My body is. My words are. My actions. Even at the risk of failure. I have learned to accept that my ways will not always be pleasing, but I sure as heck am going to keep trying. I won’t condemn myself. I will ask simply for his grace to help keep me on the right path. I need him every minute, every day, every hour. People I know, including myself, say they love Him. But not enough to give up old habits. Or not enough to give him 10% of their money. Or not enough to get out of their comfort zone. Or their current relationship. I’m not saying this to be judgmental or point the finger. But if you love Him, you obey him. I don’t always do that. I can be a rebellious daughter at times. Sometimes we all keep God as a safe distance. We want Him in our lives, but not to mess them up. Well, I can speak from experience, God wants to mess up your life. Not for the bad. For the good.
I want to dedicate my complete life to him. To be a servant. To be a worshipper.
Recently, I have been thinking about something. He has given me a gift that I have not been using. But now that He keeps reminding of this. Not only through conversations with my friends, family, etc. But just from him speaking to my heart. I want to go after it. I want to go after it even if it means all of my dreams will not come true. I am open to what He’s calling me to do. Do I go to a school of ministry for this? Not sure. I am open. I am open to being a student and allowing Him to teach me. My mother was sharing with me that school is not the only necessity in reaching this calling. I know that. I just know also that I have not reached my full potential. Recently, I have been working at a job for customer service. While this job has great perks and a great atmosphere, I am still struggling to be happy in it. It’s not that I am not thankful. I certainly am. He provides for my needs financially. But..I am not happy because I feel I am squandering my gift. And I don’t want to lose this gift. The gift is singing and worship.
I was born to worship. .I was born to sing. I was born to dance for my Father. I am not doing this. I want to do it full time. I used to sing at various churches I went to. When I was 7 years old, God put it on my heart to pursue this passion. One night I was riding home with my parents in the car and I just told my mom and Dad…I think I want to sing. We were going to Lakewood Church at the time. When John Osteen was still the pastor. That was my first singing experience. On stage. In front of thousands of people. The size of this congregation did not even phase me, to be honest. The stage still doesn’t scare me. The stage is my home. It’s where I belong. Not for my own personal glory and accolades. But…to be one step closer to reaching the hands and heart of my Father.
If I had to pick up and leave, I probably would. Because being stuck in a desk on a phone or in an office gives me no fulfillment. It’s not human interaction. It’s not passionate. I need to start fasting and praying as to where He wants to lead me after this job ends. Perhaps school. Perhaps I don’t know. It’s all up in the air. My life might truly begin…It already begins and ends with Him anyway.