Part of the battle is learning to deal with the punches. Well, I’m just wondering when they will stop. I mean, on the surface, everything looks fine. Underneath the surface is something totally different. It feels like these holidays are punching my lights out. I try and try.
I try to do the right things. That doesn’t always happen. I try to be the right person. That doesn’t happen as much as I like it to. Right now…and this is baring my soul..I have never felt more unhappy during this season. I don’t know if it’s a season of purging. Sometimes it feels that way, literally. I wake up always feeling sick to my stomach. And it spreads. I feel sick in my head, my heart. Today was supposed to be my Christmas. Well it has been on punch after another.
The first part of the day was great. I spent time with a great friend for a few hours. I came home, ate a Christmas dinner with my parents, watched a movie. Then bam. Everything was turning upside down. My mother was all of a sudden upset and depressed. We lost someone dear to us two years ago. More personally, it was her mother. That is something that is not easily recoverable. I was depressed because I hate my job and feel miserable thinking about it. I was trying to make some candy and it wasn’t turning out. I went to Walmart for something I needed that they didn’t have. So we were all in a mood and fueling fire. I felt like a grinch today. I mean, honestly, I have no reason to complain. I have all my needs taken care.
Why does my heart say it’s not enough. I have a job that pays well. But I hate it. And when I am doing something I hate, sometimes it turns me into something I don’t want to be. And instead of fighting back, I keep letting my adversary punch me.
Honestly, I would love to get into my car, drive and just keep driving. I would love to have the freedom of not going to a job for 10 hours. I would love to go on a road trip with myself, take my camera and take pictures of everything. I never get to stop to look at a beautiful sunset or a perfect wave. I never get to see the majestic mountains and waterfalls. I would love to just go to a quiet place, away from everything and everyone. And just sing and play guitar with no one around. Read the Bible and hear nothing but air and wind. Just in the middle of nowhere where no one can find me.