we have failed

I see the news. I see disturbing events and recent articles about things that are going on in our country. Things that are going on in other countries. And I can’t help but think….we failed. We failed to stand up and fight injustice hard enough. We failed to stand up for keeping God as a vital part of our country.

We failed to teach our children lessons of value and integrity. I’m not saying our group as a whole. But when you look at this country and these crimes that are being committed by teenagers, children, etc. I think…their parents failed. Sometimes we let technology babysit our kids. I’m not talking about letting them watch Netflix. But in a lot of homes…technology is a babysitter. Not everyone has a maternal or paternal side. When you let your child into the web, they can be blinded by deceit. By improper information. If they don’t get something they need from family or friends….they look for it elsewhere. The internet was invented so that people would be able to get information. To get history. Man has twisted it for his own agenda. Now you can find everything. How to build bombs. How to incite riots. Social media is raising our children. And it needs to be stopped. There is a good side and a bad side to the internet. Make sure that you have control over what your kid is seeing. If you don’t take those precautions, you could be responsible for someone that might commit a crime.

We failed in standing up for God. This country was founded on religious freedom. “One nation under God”. Under God. This is God’s country. This was made and created by God. A place where people live to serve him and help others find their way. This is not OUR country. It is his. And he and his name is constantly being slapped in the face. How did we let this happen? We took him out of our schools. We took him out of our government. Bit by bit, we are tarnishing his name. We are using it in blasphemy. We are mocking those on tv who believe in Him. We are making idols out of people who are airbrushed and ingenuine. We are using our churches for anything but the original purpose. I am not picking on Christians, by any means. I am just saying we as a whole have let down the ball when it comes to our religious rights. When I think of Pastor Saeed, who is being imprisoned. Who is being treated lower than an animal is enduring for his beliefs…I am shaken. I am not in fear of imprisonment…yet. I do not have to share a cell with murderers, rapists. I do not have to worry where my next meal is coming from or even if it’s coming to me. I am disgusted that our government has turned its backs on this man and his family. Where is the heart for people. You should not neglect to help them, whether they think differently of you. Whether their opinions are different.

We have failed in protecting life. This is a subject I am very emotional and sensitive about. Life. Human life and animal life. Every day, a fetus is born and at the same time, murdered. It seems that animals are being abused and killed as well. Not sure if this happens every day. But..the point is….we have disregarded the value of life. I don’t agree with hunting unless it’s a matter of life or death. For sport is another issue. I’m not judging those who do. It’s just not something I personally would choose unless faced with a life/death situation. I also don’t agree with killing sea life for sport. I ran across an article about young teens in Denmark who are killing innocent dolphins as a form of showing masculinity. This is barbaric and absolutely disgusting to me. It would not impress me to see a man cut with a hook 3 times an innocent mammal. Did this animal ever inflict harm to them? No. Was this an act of self defense? No. This was for sport. This was a celebration. It makes my blood boil. The same goes for human children. Did a baby ever inflict harm on you? No. Was this killing an act of defense? Absolutely not. This was a choice. Yes, women, we have a choice. But it is a choice to kill or give life. Several women I know are in the process of adoption. Because they either a) can’t have babies or b) felt led to deliver a child from a third world country. Think about the first. Women can’t have babies. Some women are infertile, unable to get pregnant. They would love nothing than to have a beautiful baby, freshly born, in their arms right now. But instead you are not only killing that baby, you are killing the chance for that mother to never know the feeling of a sweet baby boy or girl to hold. You are killing life and killing that chance. Think about that next time you decide you don’t want a baby. There are women who have miscarried. That is one of the most painful things to lose. Your child. Think about this next time you decide having a baby is not for you. Abortion is murder. It is a choice. And it is yours. So if you can live with yourself for making the choice to murder, go ahead and try. I personally think it is wrong and should be illegal. Even though it is illegal in areas, it doesn’t mean people will stop. In countries, such as China, they are actually FORCED without consent, to abort their babies. These women have NO choice. So in America, we do. Start making the right ones. The taxes we pay, that is put toward this murder.

We need to stop failing our God. We need to stop failing our children. We need to stop failing this country. “Good men exists when evil men/women do nothing.”




Yesterday, I did not see it coming. I did not hear it coming. But I felt it as it was coming. The night before, I had such a strange dream. I had a dream that I was pregnant and I was trying to be friends with this church I had joined. The pastor’s son set me up or something. Strange!! Anyways, toward the end of the dream, I ended up with pins and needles in my arms. They were shoved deep into my skin. And I had to pick one by one out. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what that dream meant. Later, that night, I discovered.

An attack was headed for me. I was just playing with my dog. He had been a little ornery, as he usually is. I had given him some love and kissed him on the head. Then I started playing with him because I thought that’s what he wanted. He growls for different reasons. Mostly for attention. I threw a blanket over his head, like we usually do when we play. He was not having it. He started growling and attacking me ferociously. All I could do was scream and fight him off. It was the grace of God that I did not have to go to the hospital. I almost passed out from shock. I can still hear his growling and snarling in my head. Ever since then, this noise haunts me. He attacked my arm and bit deep. I was bleeding and ready to pass out. He sunk his teeth into my arm as well as my finger. He would not relent. He would not retreat away. I felt helpless and defenseless. Which is probably why I kept waving my arm away. 

I am still shaken up. This creature, who I have loved time and time again. No matter how much he hurts me, I don’t try to let it bother me. But I can’t be in the same room with him now. Whoever did what they did to him, I hope they suffer the same punishment. Whoever would treat such a beautiful puppy with anything but love and adoration should be struck. He is a rescue and we took him in knowing this. But I thought our love would heal his memories and his heart. Unfortunately, he has triggers. And it has been progressing. And I will either have to keep him and stay away from him. Or find a home for him. Perhaps a farm where he could run and play. But I have to be responsible. I don’t want him attacking someone else. Today, I have been sad all day. I am full of sadness and grief. It may seem like a small thing. But it’s not to me. I have always been an animal lover and I always will be. But…it is time to do what I need to do. Which is…I don’t know what. To anyone who thinks of abusing an animal, you are damaging a beautiful gift of God. And you are also ruining him for the next person who wants to undo all the damage that you have done.

I haven’t felt this depressed in awhile. I just feel like staying in bed all day and listening to music. 

and thought my heart is torn…I will praise you in the storm.

the dream is not dead! keep fighting!

Guess what???


That’s right!! I am a girl and a warrior. I was made to be this. I was not made to just sit back, find a man who will fight my battles, and sit pretty. God sees me as a princess. But guess what? Princesses don’t just have people wait on them to take care of things. Princesses rule with an iron fist! Things are required of them. They have to make difficult decisions.  The real princesses wait on direction, not always their own. A warrior princess needs someone to lean on.  Now, granted, my last year, was a battle. I have the battle scars to prove it. But those scars fade. They don’t define me. They have helped me grow. They have made me stronger.

I was encouraged this Sunday by my satellite church(Yes I said satellite church). It is called Lord of Hosts Church in Omaha, Nebraska. Something that was dormant and inactive inside me started to erupt. This lifelong passion that was always in question. One day, I was hiking up this hill at my uncle’s house. I remember spending time with God. I even made a cairn out of rocks. Making an altar. And as I kept walking, I saw these leaves fall off the trees. And I started crying. I said, “God, those leaves feel like my dreams. They have fallen and are dead. I thought they would produce fruit. If this is what you want for me, then I will accept their death.” But this Sunday, He reminded me that time and time again, my adversary, Satan, has been trying to steal this dream from me. Over and over without stopping.

I feel like when obstacles are happening in the midst of your dream, it is proof that you are closer to the finishing line than you think.  Years ago, I had thrown myself in a singing contest. I worked really hard and practiced. I stayed at my church for a few hours, making sure I had perfected it. I sent it in and I had been turned down. I was devastated. I thought ok…maybe singing isn’t my thing. I had been involved in choirs, worship teams on and off for years. The last I had recently been involved in was a church that I was proud to be a part of. Without hardly any notice, I had been cut from the team. My heart broke. I felt blindsided by this. I felt that this was preparation for something bigger that I am going to be a part of. I was being mentored. I was blossoming. Why did this happen? After this, I had been asked be a good friend to be a part of another awesome team. And I said yes without thinking twice. Because singing worship makes me feel alive. I think I figured also that this would heal my heart. It did temporarily. Then, I felt called to leave. I joined another church. I didn’t want to sing at that point. I also left that church.

I became afraid of committing. To anything. At this time in my life, I am getting fed from my satellite church in ways that I never thought I would find at any church. And I am comfortable in this. But I have the desire to sing again. So I am cultivating that by myself. Less drama this way. I remember driving home after work one day and I said…”God I would love to be a part of Hillsong and go international with you in this. But if your dream for me is stay here and stay local, then that is what I”ll do. And I’ll accept that wholeheartedly.” And honestly, I don’t know what the future holds. But the point is…the dream is NOT dead like I thought it was. I have been working on my music. I am making my bedroom into a platform for him. It doesn’t have to be on a big stage to make a bigger impression on him. He is my audience. And even if this does expand, which I believe it will, I still want to stay in this state of mind.  Where it is just me and Him.

Recently, I’ve been trying to rid myself of any distractions. I put my TV in my closet. I have made the atmosphere more conducive, more intimate. And I play my music. And that is all I need. But I need not be selfish. I have a feeling that my future husband whoever he may be…will be participating in music making with me. That is my dream. To be pursuing worship leading. I want people to be able to have the intimate experiences I have with God alone.


So, the point of this post, is to say…yes…I’ve been knocked down. I have been beaten to the point of almost giving up. But no longer will I stay down. No longer will I give in to those thoughts any longer. I will fight. I will be all that God created me to be. And I will pursue the dream at any cost.

dreams dream2

God: Never Ending Customer Service

So, as most of you know, I had been working in customer service for the past two months. I have dealt with patient and impatient people. During peak season, we dealt with the Christmas craziness. People waiting to get those packages and whatnot. People were angry, upset, crying, miserable. All over late deliveries, things being stolen. Prices going up.

All this made me think. I had an enlightening moment. Who do I know who faces these things all the time? God.

God deals with never ending impatient people (including myself).

“God, you said you would bless me. Where is it? It should’ve been here by now.”

“God, if I don’t get what you promised me, I will go somewhere else to get it.”

“God, I am upset because what you gave me isn’t what I wanted. I wanted something different. I’m giving it back and am asking for something different.”

“God, this is ridiculous that I have to wait this long to get something!”

“God, someone else stole my gift!!”

“God, maybe I’ll just ask someone who knows what they’re doing!”

“God, are you even listening to me? Do you even get what I’m saying????” You don’t understand!!”

“God you charged me for something I didn’t even ask for!”

“God, I want my money back that I gave you.”

How many times or how many questions does God have to deal with from us? How impatient are we when he asks us to wait for something? How much trust do we have when he says he is going to do something. If we don’t see it right away, do we put the blame on him or on ourselves? I am full of conviction even as I write this.

God is my problem solver and the solution to all of my problems, yet I blame him. For mistakes I have made in my life. I am impatient in waiting for his promises for me to be fulfilled. I have an empathy and sympathy for him. And I am aware of this.

I have an idea of my reason for him putting me in that job. Not only to try to be a light in a miserable nail biting world. But also to see things from a different perspective. To see what is truly important. It is not material things. It is not making the most money. It is making a difference in the world. Getting people their packages and money back did absolutely nothing for me. I did have one conversation that made my day yesterday on my last day.  A sweet old man in his 80’s that was a pleasure to talk to. You could tell he was a good man with moral character. Very rare. He wasn’t a dirty old man trying to hit on me or get something from me. He was a man who wanted to talk and have a nice conversation with. I wasn’t trying to sell him or get him to buy anything. I reminded him that, even in his age, he still has purpose. He knows the important things in life. I won’t even forget that man. I would’ve talked to him all day if I had to.

That’s how I want to be with God. To where I could talk to him all day. Make a connection. My likes and dislikes. His likes and dislikes. I want to tell God that I thank Him for all he has done for me. Not to ask of anything, just to talk. Just to forget about the woes in life. And to be just greatful and humble.

“Humble yourselves in the Lord, and He will lift you up.”

I believe I made some great connections in the Amazon world and I learned a thing or two. From leaving, I will take this. I have a new appreciation for God and I will try not to be so impatient and so demanding. I will wait. I will enjoy. I will love Him without having any need to ask.