That’s right!! I am a girl and a warrior. I was made to be this. I was not made to just sit back, find a man who will fight my battles, and sit pretty. God sees me as a princess. But guess what? Princesses don’t just have people wait on them to take care of things. Princesses rule with an iron fist! Things are required of them. They have to make difficult decisions. The real princesses wait on direction, not always their own. A warrior princess needs someone to lean on. Now, granted, my last year, was a battle. I have the battle scars to prove it. But those scars fade. They don’t define me. They have helped me grow. They have made me stronger.
I was encouraged this Sunday by my satellite church(Yes I said satellite church). It is called Lord of Hosts Church in Omaha, Nebraska. Something that was dormant and inactive inside me started to erupt. This lifelong passion that was always in question. One day, I was hiking up this hill at my uncle’s house. I remember spending time with God. I even made a cairn out of rocks. Making an altar. And as I kept walking, I saw these leaves fall off the trees. And I started crying. I said, “God, those leaves feel like my dreams. They have fallen and are dead. I thought they would produce fruit. If this is what you want for me, then I will accept their death.” But this Sunday, He reminded me that time and time again, my adversary, Satan, has been trying to steal this dream from me. Over and over without stopping.
I feel like when obstacles are happening in the midst of your dream, it is proof that you are closer to the finishing line than you think. Years ago, I had thrown myself in a singing contest. I worked really hard and practiced. I stayed at my church for a few hours, making sure I had perfected it. I sent it in and I had been turned down. I was devastated. I thought ok…maybe singing isn’t my thing. I had been involved in choirs, worship teams on and off for years. The last I had recently been involved in was a church that I was proud to be a part of. Without hardly any notice, I had been cut from the team. My heart broke. I felt blindsided by this. I felt that this was preparation for something bigger that I am going to be a part of. I was being mentored. I was blossoming. Why did this happen? After this, I had been asked be a good friend to be a part of another awesome team. And I said yes without thinking twice. Because singing worship makes me feel alive. I think I figured also that this would heal my heart. It did temporarily. Then, I felt called to leave. I joined another church. I didn’t want to sing at that point. I also left that church.
I became afraid of committing. To anything. At this time in my life, I am getting fed from my satellite church in ways that I never thought I would find at any church. And I am comfortable in this. But I have the desire to sing again. So I am cultivating that by myself. Less drama this way. I remember driving home after work one day and I said…”God I would love to be a part of Hillsong and go international with you in this. But if your dream for me is stay here and stay local, then that is what I”ll do. And I’ll accept that wholeheartedly.” And honestly, I don’t know what the future holds. But the point is…the dream is NOT dead like I thought it was. I have been working on my music. I am making my bedroom into a platform for him. It doesn’t have to be on a big stage to make a bigger impression on him. He is my audience. And even if this does expand, which I believe it will, I still want to stay in this state of mind. Where it is just me and Him.
Recently, I’ve been trying to rid myself of any distractions. I put my TV in my closet. I have made the atmosphere more conducive, more intimate. And I play my music. And that is all I need. But I need not be selfish. I have a feeling that my future husband whoever he may be…will be participating in music making with me. That is my dream. To be pursuing worship leading. I want people to be able to have the intimate experiences I have with God alone.
So, the point of this post, is to say…yes…I’ve been knocked down. I have been beaten to the point of almost giving up. But no longer will I stay down. No longer will I give in to those thoughts any longer. I will fight. I will be all that God created me to be. And I will pursue the dream at any cost.