Purity is a choice

Purity.

It seems to be something rare nowadays. It is a struggle for everyone. Because even though we were not made to people pleasers..we live in this mentality. If you dictate the way you live by the music culture..your struggle for purity will be even greater. If you dictate the way you live on God’s word..it won’t seem like such a struggle.

What shows our purity?

The way we talk can determine our purity.
The way we dress can determine our purity.
The things we watch can determine our purity.
The things we read can determine our purity.

Purity is not just about abstaining from sex until marriage. It starts in your heart. Purifying your heart is the first step in the process of purity. Purity comes from within. And if your heart is unclean, then it will show on the outside. This also applies to men. A woman or man that has their eyes fixed on Jesus, keeps themselves in a state of repentance. That is the first start to finding purity on the inside. Realizing that what we do daily is not pleasing God, but ourselves.

Be a woman of purity. Be a man of purity.

Talk like a woman of purity. If out of your mouth spews nothing but meaningless words, work on that. You can get an impression from the way a woman speaks. Sometimes it could be the wrong impression. And you could end up in a uncomfortable situation.

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Dress like a woman of purity. Be careful not to spin mens’ imaginations, which would lead them further away from their purity. I’m not saying you have to be covered from head to toe. But dress in a way that you would on a date with Jesus.

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Watch out for what you let your eyes see. I am guilty of this. I used to watch anything and everything. And afterwards, I felt grief. What we watch stays in our brains for years, months, days. Even minutes.

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Reading can open up your world to something destructive or something exciting. Men, when you read those adult magazines, robs you of your purity. Robs you of your future relationships. Women, when you watch those Nicholas Sparks movies, you are creating an ideal form of relationships. Relationships that don’t exist. Is it fun to read about romance? Absolutely. Because it is something that we all wish for. But..sometimes you can lose sense of reality. And it can harm your thinking or judgment. You may ignore those red flags because he reminds you of Noah Callhoun. You could fall away or be willing to compromise your beliefs. Don’t.

I will share my experience living as a virgin with all of you. And I will be flat out blunt about it. It is not easy. I used to escape with movies and television. I used to disrespect my body because of it. Those sexual images in the love scenes would feed something inside me. And I would act on it. I felt disgusting afterwards even though people told me it was natural. But I felt it wasn’t. I still feel this way. I am robbing myself of being the pure vessel I want to be. And so, after praying, God is taking away the desire from me. He doesn’t intend for me to feel ashamed. And I would kick myself repeatedly. I would justify it with…well I don’t have anyone in my life. What is a girl to do?!?! But, because God sees that I do want to change, He is helping me.

I have never had a relationship. Ever. I have never experienced any of it. You can see how a virgin’s mind can wander. Most of my dreams were about love and sex. It’s not wrong to think about sex. God created sex. It is wrong to feed your eyes and thoughts with it. Because the more you think about it, the more it consumes you. And it can become an addiction or obsession. It can block God from becoming number one in your life. And that becomes sin. It can ruin relationships. Marriages. Families.

Remember this. Next time you watch that movie or talk in a manner that is unladylike or ungentlemen like, you are setting yourself up for a life of impurity. We are human. We do mess up. We are an imperfect people. But…God’s grace is eternal. He loves us. He knew he would mess up. I mess up daily.

And let me say…if you have given up your purity, you don’t have to dwell on it the rest of your life. We are not defined by the things we do. But we are defined by the things we do after we realize they were not the right things. You can find purity again. You can become washed and clean again. Just keep in a state of repentance and humility.  If you’ve been robbed of your purity, it is NOT your fault.  God can restore your body and your heart. I am not passing judgment on anyone in this post. I don’t have the right to do that. But I am trying to help you find your way to or back to purity.

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Cinderella, Grab Your Sword.

Every girl wants to be Cinderella. Or Barbie. Personally, I prefer Cinderella. In a way, her story parallels that of Jesus. Not exactly, but similar. She was the child of a king. Then after his death, lived as an orphan and pauper. But still with purpose. In the end, she ended up reigning an entire kingdom with her Prince at her side.

One of my favorite medieval-like movies is Ever After. She was not your typical sitting pretty princesses. First, she lived royally with her king, who was also her Dad. Accustomed to the ways of luxury. But after her father died from an accident while horse riding, her evil stepmother forced her into slavery and servanthood. This form of cruel punishment was either out of jealousy and envy. (My theory is that the Queen was a deeply insecure woman who always felt the need to find approval. Due to her issues with her own childhood and the way her mother treated her. )

The queen’s love for the King was never more sacred than the love and affection of his daughter. So her pain inside was projected outward by hurting her step daughter. Anyways, back to “Cinderella.” She still tried to earn the love and affection from one who was not quick to give it. And was shunned. (History repeating itself) She did her duties out of honor and respect. I love the courage of her character. But when she first gazes upon the new young prince, she is not swooning over him. She does not throw herself at him like the others. (A generous tip for you ladies ;). She knows her place. And although she could just flat out say, I am a princess, she remains to hold her crown silently with quiet dignity.

The Prince, while arrogant and ill mannered at times, was drawn in. Not by her natural unaware beauty. But her integrity. She risked her life to save one of her servants. (Esther?) She showed him that He needed to take responsibility and grow up. Just as she had. Every guy needs a woman in his life that will give him a reality check. It doesn’t always have to be sweet and endearing. But it can be in a manner that truly gets his attention.

Back to the story, she saved his life risking hers. She hid behind a false name for protection. At the annual ball, she was “exposed” in her secret life and embarrassed in front of thousands. The evil queen then sold her back into slavery and the Prince shunned her. My favorite element of the story is this. She did not depend on someone to save her. She whipped out her sword and saved herself. After the Prince realized he was in love with her, He came to save her. But she had already been freed. Love it. Love it. Love it.

What is the point in telling this story? It is this. You are already a warrior princess, just as Cinderella was. She lost her shoe, which she thought was her identity. She thought her worth was in a name. Or her royalty. What she, as well as all of us have to realize is, that you were already made in strength. Your dignity is your clothing. Your mouth and your hands are your sword. Fight back against the insecurities. Use your sword and tear down the walls that compare you to other people. Spit in the face of the devil, who is always making you doubt God and yourself. God can show you how to use your weapons to fight back. The world will always tell you that you are not enough. God tells you that you are more than enough.

Put on your combat boots or high heels. Draw your swords and fight with your heart! “I will not sleep until the war is over.” There is a war brewing. Not only in other countries but our very own. People are killing their own children. People are kidnapping innocence. One puts a thousand to flight. Two pus ten thousand to flight. Demonic spirits that is. BUT…. When two or three are gathered, God is in the midst. So we need to join forces and take back what the devil has taken and is still taking.

Find a cause and fight for it. Raise awareness. One voice can help hundreds. One voice can make a difference.

An army full of praying and fighting women can annihilate a battlefield.

Do not expect it to go away on its own. God has given us the solidarity of sisterhood and strength. And we are more than conquerors! In order to find this inner strength, you might have to sacrifice some things. You might have to get rid of some things. You have to be willing to lose to gain. Yes, you might lose that relationship or friendship. But if that is a hindrance to what God wants to do for you, in you, and with you…isn’t it worth it? I would rather be single, whole and strong than attached, empty and weak.

Are you being treated the way the Queen treated Cinderella? Is there someone in your life that is constantly making you feel miserable? Mother? Father? Boyfriend? Girlfriend? If there is…let me tell you that all the things they are telling you hold no truth. You are a precious jewel, not only in my eyes. But God’s eyes. You were made to be admired, cherished, appreciated. The way a King treats his daughter. You were made to be fought for, longed for. And you already have a King. Who wants to save you when you are not strong enough to fight. The one will fight with blood and sword to rescue you from this world. Let him win your heart. Let him be your King. Every princess needs the love and loyalty of a King. And if it is to be, He will lead that Prince to you.

Psalm 37:4 “Delight yourself in the Lord and HE will give you the desires of your heart.”

Take care, Warrior Princesses!! ❤

Passion united and ignited!

Recently, I have had people in my social circle who have tapped/are tapping into their passions. One of my friends is a wedding planner. Another is a photographer. Another runs her own grooming salon. Another owns a theater. A masonry business. It’s amazing that I am surrounded by such creative and inspiring people. People who are getting out there and making things happen for themselves and for others!! And it has inspired me also to take a big leap of faith and do something I have always wanted to do! I’m very, very excited for this. This is something I wanted, but didn’t fully pursue it. I have always have a dream. A desire that needs to be harvested. 

I am the kind of person where I go to a special event, I wish I could take pictures. I wish I could zoom in for that perfect kiss from bride to groom. I wish I could film and gaze at the perfect sunset, while taking a picture of it. I wish I could capture every sweet smile that comes my way. I wish, I wish. Well these wishes are not in vain. God gave them to me. To capture through a photo lens what I perceive to be beautiful is what He intends. He sees us in a different composition than we see ourselves. And that is what I want to do. I want to show people their natural beauty and features. I want to show them the beauty that God sees in them!! We all need to find and know our beauty. Not just talking outside.

A woman with wrinkles can be beautiful. Not because of her makeup. But because her heart shines brighter than her lipstick. Her eyes have love in them. Her lines of laughter. I see beauty in everyone. Usually when someone is talking to me, I look at their eyes. You can tell if there is sadness is someone’s eyes. Light or dark in their eyes. Joy or happiness in someone’s eyes. 

I want to capture the essence of who they are. I want them to look at the pics I take of them and say Wow! I didn’t know that I was pretty or that I was handsome this whole time. People need to feel good about themselves. Not in a prideful way, but a confident way. The world is always telling us we are not thin enough or pretty enough. That, if we lost those extra pounds, we would be amazing. Don’t look at yourself the way the world will tell you to.

Beauty is only skin deep. It is the soul that matters. It is the spirit inside that matters more than anything. If you have a broken spirit, it shows. If you have a hurting soul, it shows. But if you have a confident spirit it shows also. 

Not only do I want to capture someone’s beauty, but nature’s beauty. It is strange the things that I find mesmerizing. The different textures of tree bark. I don’t know why. I guess I can relate to that outer roughage. That tough skin that protects what is underneath it. I love leaves of all different colors. I love flowers and how they have been handpicked by God for me to see and touch. Everything in nature is part of His way of showing love. When you see a pink flower, you can’t help but not feel happy. That pink, that color, those petals soft to the touch were made for you. I know I sound a little nutty, but God has been showing me His love in different ways. When I see clouds in the sky, I don’t just see white cotton balls. I see things that He wants to show me. He does all of these for me. A beautiful sunset for me to look at. I can’t help but photograph God’s love for me. On the risk of sounding cheesy and corny, that is how I feel when I see things now. It gives me a new appreciation.

Today, I was trying to find all the pictures I have taken. Of people and nature. I found some and I am building a website all on my own without costing me a dime. And today…due to some research, I found a place where I can sell and deliver my photos when I start building clientele. I am going to start building my portfolio. It feels like it will be coming together! I am going to take courses and educate myself. I will then get my certification. I am so excited!! I always mention in my posts that I would love nothing than to drive my car all around the country and just take pics. The ultimate road trip. And make it into a book, all of these pictures. Maybe not by myself. But..that would be just the ultimate for me. Not chained to a desk. Just in the breeze, my hair flowing everywhere, basking in the sunshine of God’s goodness. I have always been a free spirit. I intend to stay that way. 

Pregnant…with purpose and passion

So here I am, expecting to dread Valentines Day. So far it has been great! I’ve been lounging around in my bedroom. No one was around. And there was a message that was flowing in my Spirit. It was about pregnancy. I was standing around, walking back and forth, pretending to preach to all these single women about pregnancy. I know its weird. Wha…?? God works in mysterious ways.

Once I write it all down, I will post the message here so that all of you can read it. I have a heart for single women. God has put it on my heart the last few years to start ministering to single women. Most of the times in the church, we have Bible studies. But nothing fully geared for single women. And from my experience, living as a single woman, there is a sense of displacement. A sense of confusion and a lost sense of hope. I feel if I don’t reach out to these women, they will either fall into an abusive relationship. Or worse, hurt themselves, because they have no one to turn to or no one to hold their hand during these times. People are taking their lives almost every day. And I want to search those women out and help them during this time of need.

I think now is the time to share this message. Because God is birthing something new in all of our hearts. And it’s not just for us to know. It’s for everyone to know. (I can’t remember it word for word this message that was flowing out)

Pregnancy. I was thinking about how God births things inside us. And it was a parallel between the physical world and the spiritual world. The physical world is in no way like the spiritual world.

How do you know you are pregnant?

First symptom is throwing up. Vomiting. Now when you are feeling pregnant with purpose, things in your body change. And your spirit goes through changes. Throwing up is unpleasant. But, in the spiritual world, it could be vomiting up the ways of the world. Throwing up old past behaviors, toxic relationships, sinful desires, etc. It is a purging of things that have been holding us back. It can be a release of fear, anger, depression, anxiety, etc.

What can follow the symptoms after that? Doubt. “I don’t know if I’m ready for this.” As Juno said “I’m in high school, dude. I’m just ill-equipped.” “I don’t know if I am able to handle this kind of responsibility. Let me assure you, every person that God has used one time or another, has questioned themselves in following His will. They have questioned their ability and skill.

Moses questioned himself. Exodus 3:11- But Moses said to God, “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” Moses didn’t know how to speak well. He mumbled his words. But God used him to bring thousands of people out of slavery and bondage. He helped part the seas.

Noah. He didn’t know the first thing about building an ark. He probably didn’t know anything about lumber. How to build. But God showed him. God revealed to him the blueprints of how to construct it.

These are a few examples. I have doubted myself time after time. When you put your faith in yourself, you might be let down. When you put your faith in God, He will never let you down.

Once doubt disappears and you realize that you can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you….joy comes! I am pregnant. I have purpose. Yay! You can see the possibilities coming into fruition without seeing it with your own eyes. God shows you new avenues. It’s exciting to come into your calling.”

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What happens when are after you are through birthing your purpose and calling? In the natural realm, you lose sleep. I myself deal with insomnia quite often. I don’t know why. It could be because my brain is always thinking. It never shuts off!! Pregnant women lose sleep. Their purpose sometimes wakes them up. Their purpose begs an screams to be fed. How can we feed our purpose? By reading God’s Word. Letting the Bible come into our hearts, come into new knowledge. Not only about ourselves, but about God and his love and plans for us!! The Bible is the most interesting book you will ever read if you let it inside.

Changing diapers in the physical world. Changing things in the spirtual world. Maybe how you go about things involving your mission. Things that are constantly changing implies they are moving. So it’s not dormant. It’s not inactive. It is something moving about.  Maybe you need to change your thinking. Your perspective.  Or changing the ways you go about pursuing your passions. I, myself, go through a lot of changes. Not only physically, but spiritually.  I’ll give you an example. Once I realized I needed to start working on my songs and brainstorming, God was showing me something. In order to concentrate on my passion, I had something blocking me from receiving. My tv in my bedroom. It was the focus of my room. I thought at first..”No, it’s not a distraction.” But it was. So I “changed” things. Even in my room. And I find now that I am able to hear and see more clearly the vision he has for me.

So, summing this up…the parallels between physical and spiritual pregnancy are similar yet different.

FINDING YOU ARE PREGNANT…WITH A NEW PASSION

-Throwing up the ways of the world, past desires, sin, etc.

-Doubt (Can I do this, God? I don’t have experience or have been trained in this)

-Joy (“I can’t wait to start this dream  you have given me, God!”)

AFTER YOUR VISION IS BORN

-Losing sleep…having to get up in the wee hours and feed your vision by reading the Word. Reading and researching how to keep your vision and purpose alive!

-Changing things…changing perspectives. Changing how to go about living and walking in this purpose you gave birth to.

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Terminating pregnancy

Some of you might have a calling, might have a new passion that God is stirring up inside of you. But you might be thinking…I don’t want it. It’s not something I really want to do. It’s not something I can handle. You might think of saying…God I know you gave me this dream, but I don’t want it. I’m not going to pursue it. You are terminating your purpose. Think of this also. Not only are you terminating your purpose…you are terminating someone else’s. People that have sown into you seeds of hope. Seeds of faith and encouragement. Those people who have prayed and fasted with you. Stayed on the phone with you while you were crying because you can’t handle the pressure. Maybe them helping you in your purpose gave them a sense of one. So if you kill the seed, you kill the purpose and theirs.

The last thing I thought I would be talking about is pregnancy. I have never been pregnant, let alone had a boyfriend or husband. So this is way out of my league right now. But it could be used someday for someone. Even now. I don’t consider myself qualified to give out messages on this subject. But it was put in my heart and my spirit this day.

What is your purpose?

What is your passion and dreams?

Just remember, YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS YOU. DO NOT GIVE UP ON GOD. DO NOT PUT LIMITATIONS ON HIM. REMEMBER ALL THAT HE HAS DONE FOR YOU SO FAR. AND HOW MUCH FARTHER HE WILL BRING HIM WHEN YOU LIFT YOUR HANDS IN TRUST AND SURRENDER.

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You are Loved

Single ladies…you are loved!! I just wanted you to know that you are all on my heart. This is not the day to dread or to fear your dream of meeting a great guy will never happen! This is the day to walk in faith and it could be the beginning of a new step in a new direction for you. There are better things than to have a relationship. Relationships are not overrated. But…there are more things to do in life.

I used to look at this day like this

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Yes, my girlfriends. That is none other than one of the classic scenes in “Bridget Jones Diary.” One of my all time favorite chick flicks. (I love me some Brit movies 😉 Anyways. I used to feel like that. Hopeless. Depressed. Confused. Why hasn’t it happened, Lord?? How much longer will I have to wait? I am 30 now. Biological clock is ticking. I kept hitting snooze for about 15 years. I am fully alarmed of this now. But I have girlfriends. Awesome, amazing ladies who are still single. In the same boat I am but longer. They keep praying their day will come too. Why must we wait and are we waiting for something that will never happen? Of course, these questions come to mind.

We drown our sorrows in ice cream or cake. Any form of chocolate. Because it’s confusing to ask ourselves these questions. Not only do we ask ourselves. Other people ask. The dreaded questions for “single” people. Most questions followed by advice from “experts”. I often read posts from frustrated people who have the same status I have. And I understand how they feel. The most common piece of advice is “Stop looking. It happens when you’re not looking.” I have a problem with this. First of all, we are ALWAYS looking (not with binoculars of course..well some of us *creeper music*). But I, myself, personally do scope out potential prospects. Guys I find attractive. It doesn’t stop there though. Right after attraction, I immediately look for principles of faith, character, heart. That is just as important as that six pack we are unwilling to admit we want in our partner. Those things are temporary. But the point is we do look. And we have to do. God gave us eyes for a reason. For evaluation.

Another piece of common advice. “Put God first. Let him become your husband and then He will bring the right person to you.” These words, while fairly truthful and sincere…a majority of single people find in a way offensive. They assume that people are judging their relationship with God. Baring my soul, I try to put God first as often as I can. And this is also advice I have given other women as well. I don’t always put God first. I mean…sometimes shallow or worldly desires get in the way of that (job, friendships, relationships, etc). It’s not as if I’m idolizing these things, but I have been guilty of putting those needs ahead of who I need to be for and to God. That is one of my main focuses this year. Less of me, more of Him.

Singleness is not a disease. If that was true, half of us are infected. But what I know to be true is this. Singleness, while it is a gift, is hard. Marriage, a gift, is also hard. So yes if Prince Charming hasn’t come along to sweep you off your feet right now, it might be for good reason. Maybe you have some growing to do. Maybe he has some growing to do. Maybe your “person” is in another relationship with someone who is completely wrong from him and away from God. Would you want to be with someone like that? Or maybe you haven’t gained the confidence you wish you had. Would he want to be with someone very insecure and unable to trust him? My mom said…when you are whole and that person is whole, it will work. “You don’t want a half baked cookie”. As long as we let Christ direct our life and our desires, we will reach wholeness in some way. Maybe not completely. But we won’t come with extra baggage and try to sabotage things.

Things happen for a reason. We don’t always see it or understand why. We’re not always meant to understand why. But, during this single hood, which could only be a season, do what makes you happy.

Find your confidence. Buy yourself a black dress that makes you feel beautiful and sexy. Put on your makeup. Not to impress. But to show off the beauty that God has given you. Dance like no one is watching you. There is such freedom in knowing who you are and being it. And being not ashamed of it. Embrace your friendships. Cultivate a new passion. Don’t be afraid of failure and try new things.

Don’t base your self worth about what the world or what a guy says about you. It’s what God says about you. 

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We are warriors, ladies!! We are stronger than we were. We are learning how to fight. We keep our hearts guarded. We keep our minds grounded. I am on your side in this battle. This is just one day out of thousands where you will grow into yourself. This is just one day that you’ll look back on and say Pssh. Or you might not even look back on this day. Because you will be doing much more exciting things. Maybe with someone. Maybe not with someone. That is not for me to decide. All I know is you should NEVER settle for less when your heart is crying out for more! Don’t settle as someone’s rebound. Don’t think you should be someone’s second choice. You are God’s first choice and you always will be. You are not a Leah, you are a Rachel! I just want to encourage you and share from the deepest parts of my heart how much I love you.

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I realize that even if/when I get married, there will be something missing. Not everything will be put in the right place. The toothpaste cap will be left off (by me). I will get on that person’s nerves. I may not express my emotions in the right way. And I might drive him wild. But that is why I need my God so badly. Because who else could help me change the things that might not be so Christlike. I know I will not be perfect. I won’t expect that person to be. I think that finding out someone’s flaws can bring things closer together. We all grow. And we all can evolve together. I think that’s what marriage is. Growing and evolving. And having a little fun 😉

So, in conclusion, this is just one day of many you won’t look even look back on. Embrace the special in you. You are royalty, my gems.

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Look at this day like this:

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BookFace

Bookface,

Face palm. I totes hate you. This was said sarcasticly.

I realized something tonight. People are lonely. Including me. Why do I feel the need to post what I’m feeling, what I’m doing. Taking a pic of everything(when I had a cell phone). Posting pins on pinterest that I think are funny or worth sharing. I won’t lie. I get lonely. I wish I was living more life offline than on. This winter is dreary and boring. And my social life is dwindling by a thread. So I have Bookface to keep me warm at night. It shouldn’t have to be like this. I should be talking to real people. Having real conversations in reality with real people. There are a few I really like to talk to. And if I made a road trip to meet up with all of my facebook friends, I might actually be living life offline. I think we all could use a break from this social media crap. I say crap because it gets to the point of being annoying. People unfriend and re-friend the friend when they aren’t mad at them anymore(guilty). People post too much political crap. People can be very negative and feel the need to post and stir up arguments because they are THAT bored. Sometimes I post something and either delete it or hide it from my timeline to make it look like I don’t post that many things in one day. Sad.

I like too many things. I post too many things. I have a posting and liking problem. Better yet, I have befriended social media sites to the point of obsession. It annoys me, yet I do it. I blog for the sake of helping people. Especially single women. I feel that is a need that needs to be heart. Or a cause that needs to have awareness. But I enjoy more than anything the companionship of people. I love my friends. I love my family. Which is the main reason I keep my Facebook (no it’s not. it’s the addiction). See, even then, I live in denial to this religion that has formed. I admit. I get excited when I get a notification that turns out 40% of the time to have nothing to do with me. I like hearing “You’ve Got Mail”, Mr. Moviephone. I like the assurance that someone cares. Even taking the time to respond to what I write or post. But just knowing these things makes me come to realize that not only I, but others are lonely. My wish is to be one of those cool people that don’t have Facebook.

Twitter is a whole other story. Sigh. Let’s save that for another time. Or not.

Moving while living…

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I watched a great movie tonight. And I could really relate to it. It was called “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty”. It was about a guy who lived a pretty mundane life. He was unhappy about it. So he developed an imagination that caused him to do things he had never done. And in doing so, he changed. He came back a changed man. Before he left, he had a crush on this girl he worked with. Nothing ever came of it. But the important message was about living life. No boundaries. 

I thought..how amazing it would be to just hop on a plane and go to lands I have never been. I would love to go to Ireland, Bora Bora, Italy. I think I will some day if possible. I want to live my life to the fullest. I am 30. It is time. It is time to explore the world before sin takes over it and destroys it completely. 

I am going to work on getting my passport soon. I am going to get in shape for the adventures that await me. I also discovered something that I need to take up that calms me down. Baking. I find baking relaxing. I made some chocolate muffins tonight. And I just felt like I was in my element doing something. I didn’t have to have makeup on. I didn’t have to worry about what I was wearing or what was on my agenda for tomorrow. It was just relaxing. I usually can relax by playing with Play-Doh (don’t knock it til you try it). 

So the point of this random post is:

-I am a traveler at heart.

-I like baking

I have a feeling like I am going to be moving soon. Except for the awesome relationships I have developed, I have not really made anything of myself here. And I feel it’s because I’m not meant to stay. 

Just do it.

I am trying to get the right mindset. Lately, fear has been tormenting me. It’s because I’m spiritually dry. (We all have our seasons). Like…I’ll admit this. I have a hard time reading His Word constantly. I lost my Bible awhile ago, and never bought a new one. Money is tight. So I usually read it on my Kindle. But I haven’t done it in a little while. And I am spiritually weak. When you are weak and weary, it leaves you open for attack. Anyways, I am trying to get into the right mindset. I ask the question often to God and usually like to receive a response. Within a week. A month. But…now when I ask him questions, He states the obvious. I say God this is what I want. He is always patient with me. I wouldn’t blame him if His patience with me was getting low. I feel like I’m getting back the response “What have you done about it?” Whoa God. Wait…you are right.

He has a point. What am I doing about it? I am unhappy with my weight. Help me God. Ok, Mare. But…you know what you have to do too. So do it. I want a man someday, God. Ok…are you working on yourself to be the best, whole and healthy person for him? Uh…

God, I want a music career. Either leading worship or having a band to reach people and use the talent you’ve given me. Have you put yourself out there, Mare? Have you went to auditions? Have you really put your full effort out there to be used? Uh…

So basically, I feel like He’s given me a kick in the pants. Even though this weather is not putting me into a motivating mood, I will strive to do better. I guess chocolate isn’t that important when you look at the big picture of desires. It’s not really worth it. I would give it up for a chance at what I really really want. Here will be my goals

-Trust God that He will lead the paths to my understanding and destiny

-Get in shape (so cliche but true)

-Put myself out there. Make videos of me playing my music. Possibly trying out for auditions.

-Work on the outside of myself to match the inside. Lately, I haven’t cared what I look like. Ashamed to admit that, but it’s true.

-Make my spiritual life a priority

-Work toward goals to help the world (Sex trafficking)

Ladies…V-Day is also Virtuous Day!

To all the virtuous women who can relate:

I hate having time for thoughts to creep and crawl in my head. I am being tested every day. Will I lose hope or will I gain it? It is winter and this weather is kind of depressing me. I won’t lie. And of course the commercialism of V-day annoys me. As much as I detest this holiday because it does absolutely nothing for me…I would like it to be different. I don’t care about getting gifts. I just want the warmth of a guy holding me and keeping me safe. And this is going to sound emotional. But the things that can be tiring is that it doesn’t ever seem to happen. Ever. I have never felt a very warm embrace from a man who is not my father.

I always joke about the idea of being on The Bachelorette. And it sounds like a confusing heart adventure. But I don’t think I could deal with it. When matters of the heart are involved, it is always complicated. Recently, I took a risk and put myself out there and it wasn’t received. I don’t have to put this person in the “what if” category. Because at least I tried. I showed interest. I haven’t come across that person where I felt a spark. In my past, I was so boy crazy. One after the other crossed in my mind. All those people are married now and have children. And that’s fine with me because it was God’s will. I have yet to have met the one that makes my heart jump yet. I guess, truthfully, the only one that deserves those jitters is God. No other guy deserves those butterflies at the moment.

I don’t usually go out in public. You are faced with either two options. Going out with girlfriends. Or going on dates. If only there was another option. This year, I’m declaring it Virtuous Day. Because I intend on staying that way. Until I have a ring on my finger from the man I was destined for. Until then, I can imagine what he will look like. How his voice will sound. If he is a poet at heart or an artist of the spirit. I think it’s time for me to keep getting back in shape, prettying myself up…and then once again, putting myself out there. Sigh. I hate taking risks. But at the same time they are the pieces that make up part of the puzzle. (I love puzzles)

Say these things and remind yourself of the One who will always make you feel loved and special. God.

I want someone to wake me up to watch the sunrise. (I can look at God’s beautiful painting of the sun rising and setting just for me and breathe as I look at the enormous sky)

I want a guy who will push me on the swings and not judge me for wanting to do it (someday)

I want a guy who thinks my quirkiness is endearing (God already thinks I’m endearing)

I want someone that will hold my hand while I cross the street. Or pick up the bag of groceries for me. (someday)

I want someone who will take me out of my comfort zone (God defintely challenges me)

I want someone that will write songs with me and sing them with me as a duet (God allows the songs to flow from the spirit of my heart and He sings back to me)

I want to have my first lass kiss (God kisses me with his presence)

Someone that will dare me when I want to be dared (God dares me to think beyond my thinking)

Someone that would stay up all night talking about anything and everything (God is my best friend)

Someone that would be romantic AND funny. And comedically romantic. (God has a sense of humor and He romances me)

Someone who shows me adventure (Knowing God IS an adventure)

Someone who would take care of me and pray for me when I”m sick (God heals my broken heart and removes illness and disease from my body)

Someone that would know what to do when facing a storm(not literal, but that always helps) (God is my shelter from the storm, He is my compass and leads me which way to go when times are tough.)

Someone that would take me on a spontaneous road trip(like my best friend and her hubby) …(someday)

Stay virtuous, my precious little gems. Don’t settle for anything less than the love and life God has to offer you. I promise you, it will be 10 times better than you could ever dream of. Keep dreaming, dreamers!! God has not forgotten you. Do I get sad? Yes. Do I get depressed on Friday or Saturday nights? Yep. But the feelings pass. This too shall pass. It will not be forever. Remember singlehood as “God is not done with wanting you ALL to himself.” It is flattering how much He pursues us.

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So next time you watch shows like The Bachelor or The Bachelorette…remember…that is not real love. That is a fake disingenuous kind of love. It is for ratings. It is a fantasy land, that stirs up women’s hearts. Because deep down, that is a fairy tale that God has placed in our hearts. To love and be loved. But he will not give us away unless He knows who it is to and if that person is really meant for us. Even as I write this, I am feeling a sense of healing in my heart. Because I have been where you have been. I have cried on my pillow. I have waited and waited. With no response. I have had my heart broken in search of this great love. It’s ok to admit it. I have no shame in admitting my tears and my experiences. Because I have grown from them. For the longest time, I was searching for the one who could fill the empty hole in my heart. And no one could do it but God. His love is extravagant. Read His Word. He would climb over mountains and part the seas for your heart. And isn’t that someone who truly deserves it? One who would fight for it. He who does not intend to fight for it is not worthy of receiving it. Your love, your smile, your eyes are a gift. Not just for that person. But for God. He looks at you, like an artist after painting his first masterpiece. He sits and stares at it. He is in awe of it’s natural beauty. That is How he sees us. As his original masterpiece.

So, just knowing that, shouldn’t make you nervous when that guy doesn’t text you back. Or if that guy waits two weeks to call you. Don’t sweat over the things you have said and done for a guy. In the end, the only thing that matters is who you are. And who you are in Christ.

ENOUGH is ENOUGH

I sit here, weak. Empty. I am hungry for something more than food. I am hungry for happiness. I am hungry for more of God to fill my soul. I am hungry. It goes beyond hunger pains. It is the pain of failure.

Yes, failure does not define us. However, it can shape our thoughts if we let it. I have let it shape my thinking. I have painted it a picture. I have given it a name. Well, no longer. Failure will not define my thoughts. I will not give into it. I will not give it any pleasure.

Last night, I started thinking about how damaging my habits can be. Not only do they destroy my body and health. They distort my way of seeing things. I basically throw in the towel when this happens. It’s like that scripture by Paul in

Romans 7:15-:”I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”

I have done the right things in the past, as far as healthy eating and exercise. I used to be the person to give tips in how to live healthier. And I have fallen into those same traps I have warn other people about. 

Well it stops here. I have said it time and time again. The same old story. The same old excuses. “I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to exercise regularly.” And then I do good for a week and fall back. Fall back into prior sins. I always put myself under stress, just thinking about it. My main excuses for eating are boredom. Loneliness. I am an emotional eater. People struggle with a lot of addictions: Shopping, substance use. But food can also be an addiction. When I seek this instead of doing something valuable (like spending time with God), I resort to nothing but an empty shell. I have nothing to show for it, but regret. I say I will do right. Ok, I’m going to stay away from those chocolate cookies. Cookies will no longer control me. Cookies. Hmm. Cookie dough. Better yet, chocolate chip cookie dough. Mmm. That sounds good. This is a conversation I had with myself last night. Did I resist? Nope. It’s not chocolate that is the culprit in this situation. It is not sugar, which is the main form of addiction.. It is the thoughts that are the culprit. The more I think about it, the more I see it…I am blinded by denial and lust.

I have no shame in admitting this. I was looking at past pictures the other day, thinking Wow! I was quite a knockout. What happened between then and now. Hmm. Let’s see. Heartbreak. I was always unhappy at a job. No man. I didn’t let God fill that void. Instead I let food give me the love and comfort that it actually didn’t give me. Every morsel was one step closer to my downward spiral. Most days(excluding that time of the month), I could go without chocolate or some form of sugar. But when it gets to be…I can’t survive the day without it…I must have my fix. That is a HUGE problem for me. This is where I’m at right now. I want to change. I want the thoughts to stop. I want it to get better. And with God, it will. BUT………..it has to be up to me to LET him change me. A wise pastor once said “If I make the choice, He makes the change”. That is sealed inside of me. Well, today I am saying…Enough is enough. I decided abruptly that I am going to go on a sugar fast. 4-7 days.

Will it be hard? I’m sure. Can I do ALL things through Christ who gives me the strength? Absolutely. This has to be. I am tired of not fitting in my clothes. But more importantly, I don’t like this (literal) shape that is taking place. I know I was made for more than sitting on the couch, watching TV and eating my life away. In order to be all He has made me to be, I have to give up all I am. Which is fine with me. If I keep it up, there will nothing left. Only barriers blocking my destiny.

Now is the time to change. From challenge comes change. God is challenging me. He was reminding me…”Ok, Mare. So you said I have control and free reign over your heart, your finances. But not your health and body?” It sounds hypocritical, doesn’t it? To not fully surrender every area of my life. I think first surrendering my mind transfers to surrendering my body. They are intertwined. When one is in sync, the other usually follows. I’m not putting numbers out there. I’m not saying how much I intend to lose. I have an idea. But I won’t say it. Because that already puts pressure on myself. I just want to get to a good goal of healthy weight.

What do you define as healthy? A skinny woman? Or someone who is average but has muscle defined arms? Or someone who is pure of mind, heart and body. Someone who doesn’t not measure their self worth by their waist size. Someone who does not put a price tag on their well being.

Bottom line, if you are struggling like I am, stop comparing. I compare my body to others I know. That already is putting a price tag on myself. How much am I worth? 10 dollars a pound? 100? Don’t use numbers. Those are only best left for accountants and mathematicians. Numbers can ruin progress if that is all your focus is on. It is good to take pictures. I use to do it religiously to account for my progress. I’m not going to take as many this time. I want my body to be fit and defined. But I also don’t want it to become an idol. There needs to be a balance. I am saying ENOUGH is ENOUGH. And I am willing to make the right choices again. I will not track my progress publicly. But I will post a few pictures here and there of my progress. Until then…start your own journey. Whether it be something you want to improve or work on. Get to the roots of the problem. Once you get to the core, there are deeper issues. You and God work on those issues. And then together, you can CONQUER this like the WARRIOR you are.

You don’t see warriors out there, belly flopping over their armor. Warriors are trained. They are fit for their armor. They aren’t prepared for battle by sitting on their behinds. They take care of their bodies and when the time comes, slay the adversary. Slay your adversary! Don’t let addiction get the best of you. And if you need help, reach out to friends. Reach out to Christ. If you don’t know Him, find him. It is the only one who can pull you out of that pit that you might be sitting in.

Psalm 40:2- “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.

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