I sit here, weak. Empty. I am hungry for something more than food. I am hungry for happiness. I am hungry for more of God to fill my soul. I am hungry. It goes beyond hunger pains. It is the pain of failure.
Yes, failure does not define us. However, it can shape our thoughts if we let it. I have let it shape my thinking. I have painted it a picture. I have given it a name. Well, no longer. Failure will not define my thoughts. I will not give into it. I will not give it any pleasure.
Last night, I started thinking about how damaging my habits can be. Not only do they destroy my body and health. They distort my way of seeing things. I basically throw in the towel when this happens. It’s like that scripture by Paul in
Romans 7:15-:”I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.”
I have done the right things in the past, as far as healthy eating and exercise. I used to be the person to give tips in how to live healthier. And I have fallen into those same traps I have warn other people about.
Well it stops here. I have said it time and time again. The same old story. The same old excuses. “I’m going to lose weight. I’m going to exercise regularly.” And then I do good for a week and fall back. Fall back into prior sins. I always put myself under stress, just thinking about it. My main excuses for eating are boredom. Loneliness. I am an emotional eater. People struggle with a lot of addictions: Shopping, substance use. But food can also be an addiction. When I seek this instead of doing something valuable (like spending time with God), I resort to nothing but an empty shell. I have nothing to show for it, but regret. I say I will do right. Ok, I’m going to stay away from those chocolate cookies. Cookies will no longer control me. Cookies. Hmm. Cookie dough. Better yet, chocolate chip cookie dough. Mmm. That sounds good. This is a conversation I had with myself last night. Did I resist? Nope. It’s not chocolate that is the culprit in this situation. It is not sugar, which is the main form of addiction.. It is the thoughts that are the culprit. The more I think about it, the more I see it…I am blinded by denial and lust.
I have no shame in admitting this. I was looking at past pictures the other day, thinking Wow! I was quite a knockout. What happened between then and now. Hmm. Let’s see. Heartbreak. I was always unhappy at a job. No man. I didn’t let God fill that void. Instead I let food give me the love and comfort that it actually didn’t give me. Every morsel was one step closer to my downward spiral. Most days(excluding that time of the month), I could go without chocolate or some form of sugar. But when it gets to be…I can’t survive the day without it…I must have my fix. That is a HUGE problem for me. This is where I’m at right now. I want to change. I want the thoughts to stop. I want it to get better. And with God, it will. BUT………..it has to be up to me to LET him change me. A wise pastor once said “If I make the choice, He makes the change”. That is sealed inside of me. Well, today I am saying…Enough is enough. I decided abruptly that I am going to go on a sugar fast. 4-7 days.
Will it be hard? I’m sure. Can I do ALL things through Christ who gives me the strength? Absolutely. This has to be. I am tired of not fitting in my clothes. But more importantly, I don’t like this (literal) shape that is taking place. I know I was made for more than sitting on the couch, watching TV and eating my life away. In order to be all He has made me to be, I have to give up all I am. Which is fine with me. If I keep it up, there will nothing left. Only barriers blocking my destiny.
Now is the time to change. From challenge comes change. God is challenging me. He was reminding me…”Ok, Mare. So you said I have control and free reign over your heart, your finances. But not your health and body?” It sounds hypocritical, doesn’t it? To not fully surrender every area of my life. I think first surrendering my mind transfers to surrendering my body. They are intertwined. When one is in sync, the other usually follows. I’m not putting numbers out there. I’m not saying how much I intend to lose. I have an idea. But I won’t say it. Because that already puts pressure on myself. I just want to get to a good goal of healthy weight.
What do you define as healthy? A skinny woman? Or someone who is average but has muscle defined arms? Or someone who is pure of mind, heart and body. Someone who doesn’t not measure their self worth by their waist size. Someone who does not put a price tag on their well being.
Bottom line, if you are struggling like I am, stop comparing. I compare my body to others I know. That already is putting a price tag on myself. How much am I worth? 10 dollars a pound? 100? Don’t use numbers. Those are only best left for accountants and mathematicians. Numbers can ruin progress if that is all your focus is on. It is good to take pictures. I use to do it religiously to account for my progress. I’m not going to take as many this time. I want my body to be fit and defined. But I also don’t want it to become an idol. There needs to be a balance. I am saying ENOUGH is ENOUGH. And I am willing to make the right choices again. I will not track my progress publicly. But I will post a few pictures here and there of my progress. Until then…start your own journey. Whether it be something you want to improve or work on. Get to the roots of the problem. Once you get to the core, there are deeper issues. You and God work on those issues. And then together, you can CONQUER this like the WARRIOR you are.
You don’t see warriors out there, belly flopping over their armor. Warriors are trained. They are fit for their armor. They aren’t prepared for battle by sitting on their behinds. They take care of their bodies and when the time comes, slay the adversary. Slay your adversary! Don’t let addiction get the best of you. And if you need help, reach out to friends. Reach out to Christ. If you don’t know Him, find him. It is the only one who can pull you out of that pit that you might be sitting in.
Psalm 40:2- “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.