The last few weeks, God has been teaching me things. As always. He’s been asking me if I’m willing to forfeit and sacrifice more than I already have. “Really, God? What I have left isn’t enough?” You want me to have even less? Sometimes less is more. But in God’s eyes, when we have less, he can DO more. I pray and pray that He will use me. But am I willing to lose to gain? He asked me something profound. For what I have for you, are you willing to leave everything behind? Everything you find comfort in. Everyone who is in your life. Your family. Your friends. Your career.
For almost half a year, I have been unemployed. I have been fighting depression. I have been fighting loneliness. I have felt alone. Abandoned. Afraid. Attacked.
But…He is with me. I am not fighting these things alone. He is by my side. Yesterday was my breaking point. I sat in my bed and sobbed. Sobbed until I had no breath left. Pouring out my heart to my Father, who never lets me down. Nothing and no one can ever fill the void that only He can.
Facebook can’t fill it. Friends can’t fill it. Tv can’t fill it. A relationship can’t fill it. That is his job. I digress.
After I gave it up to him, I said God you’re going to have to live for me. I don’t see the reason in going on. And I meant that. I felt lifeless. Like I was just existing. But not living. Then, I just started talking to him. Like I would a person. And I asked him a plethora of questions. The ever so popular “Why”. And I challenged him. I said God if you don’t do something soon or something doesn’t change, I don’t know what I’ll do or what will happen. I wouldn’t ever actually “do” anything. That was my past. But I reminded him in how I am trying to do all the right things. And seeing nothing different.
God is not moved by our tears. Anyone can cry in their pain. The definition of our character is what we do after we cry. In my experience, I ran to him. And I started singing. As some of you know, my passion is to be a worship leader. Well, I was singing my heart out in my bedroom. And my spirit felt stronger. I told God earlier that I felt shattered. Shattered so much that I didn’t feel I could be fixed. But that moment I started singing, God was giving me an inner strength. Not long after, I received an email saying that I have an audition to be on the worship team at Southland Christian.
The moment we lay down who we are before Christ in humility, the moment He opens His hands. God knows when we are sincere and where our hearts lie. He challenges us. And we challenge him. He respects us and bonds with us. I learn something new and great about him every day. And I grow deeper in love with him. Any time not spent in seeking Him or directed toward Him is wasting time. Empty space.
From this challenging time, I have written more songs, poetry and posts declaring my love for Him. I’m excited to see what He has in store for me!!