These last 5 months have tried to press and crush me every which way. I have had to let go of financial security, a few friendships I thought were going to be permanent, insecurities, etc. I am still mid process in this. But I know my God is greater. This has been the longest I have been without employment. When you don’t work, you wake up questioning your purpose for that day. You have to find new goals and quests to accomplish. There are only so many times you can clean a room, while holding onto your sanity.
I admit the first few months felt like an unearned vacay. But after those few months, my responsibilities grew. Bills due. And stress bags were piling higher and higher. If it was not for my parents who give me a home, love and support, I would be homeless, malnourished and penniless. They are my rocks. However, I hate to burden them. I have been able to pay my bills by the grace of God. But I have also done my part. I tithe. I don’t spend money on myself. It is rather embarrassing when you are out to dinner or lunch with girlfriends and you wonder how paying for that meal will be in long term effect. They have offered and paid at times. Which I was grateful for. But you reach a certain point in your life where you are tired of feeling like a charity case.
I am hoping that things improve in my financial situation soon. I am trusting God in this. It seems every babysitting job, every job recommended by someone has NEVER worked out. To no end. I get false hope when I hear about something new. So I hold no expectation at all of God’s plan for me. Because I don’t know what His plan for me is yet. I know that He has given me gifts that will open doors of opportunity. But what opportunities I don’t know. I am stoked to be singing on a worship team, God willing soon.
The irony in all of it is this. Even when I feel like I have nothing, God is my everything. I may not have two pennies to rub together at the moment. But my heart is rich with His love. God is everything I need and just knowing Him is an adventure. And in that adventure, He releases me of my burdens and lightens my load before I start to climb these mountains.
In my midst of weakness, He has been perfecting my strengths. He said, “Thank me for your weak times. Because it was in those times, I was sharpening your strength.” Hallelujah. And I am finding that strength. Even in the midst of this storm.