It is my birthday in a few hours. Am I blogging to receive praise for being born? Nope. I am blogging because lately, especially this week, my heart is full. It is full of joy. It is full of expectation and promise. The last few weeks, I was headed toward a downward spiral. I’m talking depression, suicidal thoughts, oppression, you name it. I will tell you readers, from my own experience, the closer you get to the heart of your creator and your heavenly Father, the harder the hits will come. And they are not from Him. They are from your adversary. El diablo, the devil.
The stronger my heart gets, the harder the hits are. The stronger my love is for God, the harder the obstacles become. This doesn’t mean I will stop my pursuit from knowing Him more and more. This just means I will have to prepare for mental, spiritual and physical attacks. I am a marked woman for God. But knowing that makes me a target for the devil. He will use people, ideas, places, vain imaginations to distract me. He will use suicidal thoughts to try to make me doubt God and His immense love for me.
But….I will press on.
Just as Paul says:
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. -2 Corinthians 4:8
Life is never easy. Life is hard as heck sometimes. Things in life will press us and try to crush us. But…it is not the end. It just means that God has a great future for us. His plans will prevail no matter what powers of darkness try to crush us into oblivion.
As I get older, I am discovering things that God has planted/is still planting in me. Maturity, confidence, and determination. I used to be so weak that when I would be physically ill, it would stop me from what I want to do. But no longer. Today, my parents wanted to take me to lunch and I was not feeling well. But I thought…No. I will not take this lying down. I want to share this experience with the people I love. So I got up, forced myself to get ready, and went. And I was blessed by it. Because I persevered. My spirit is strong, even though I may be physically weak. Because Jesus in me gives me strength. I can do all things with His strength, even though I am failing at having my own.
Earlier this week, I broke down and cried. I was in a pit of despair in my mind. And I prayed that if my life doesn’t get better or things don’t change for Him to just take me to heaven so I can be with Him and stop the suffering in my heart. He didn’t. I begged him. I kept saying I don’t want to experience His goodness just in heaven. But on Earth. And that if all to life are these sacrifices, then I don’t want to be present. It’s not that I wanted to hurt anyone. I just wanted my hurting to stop.
He has heard my cry.
From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.-Psalm 61:2-NIV
He has taken my sadness and filled it with joy. Even in the midst of my dark hour, He held me. I suddenly felt peace. I suddenly felt joy. It brought my to tears (Ironic, I know.) But that is how much He cares about me. And how much he will care for you.
When I usually talk to him and groan about single hood, I figured it out. I said, “God if I could just physically feel you and touch you, I would never desire another man. I would never have a longing or a need that couldn’t be filled.” I just poured my heart out to Him. We all want a love we can feel, see, hear, and touch. Since I had that heartfelt moment, He has shown me more love. I feel as if I am in a relationship, a true relationship with someone I cannot see.
But, even though I can’t see Him, I can hear him. I can hear His voice as the wind blows. As I look at the sun, I can feel His warmth. When I feel the raindrops, I can feel His tears. Looking at the moon is like seeing His eyes. I try to explain it to the best of my ability.
This is my year of consecration. From the struggles, I have started the journey. I have lost a job and found a new one. I had friends and lost them. Well, really by choice. And I may be living here in Ky, but probably not much longer. So things are constantly changing. I am stepping onto each stone of my life with more focus.
My prayers have become much more personal. It is as if I am talking to a loved one. They are private and special. It is a special love that was given to me and that I am giving back to the one who made me. The one who will always understand me even when I don’t understand myself. The one who died for me because He knew that I would die to myself for Him.
I don’t know where this consecration will take me. It could take me to higher heights that I could ever imagine. But I know when I am walking, I am not alone. I will not fear because my Savior is always with me. I want people to see Him through me. I want them to experience His joy and love through mine. He is mine and I am His. Forever.
I just want to say, lastly, if you are struggling with your will to live….tell God. Tell Him exactly how you feel. He will not cast judgment on you in feeling the way you feel. But it would absolutely break His heart if you didn’t. And if you gave up on yourself. And gave up on Him. Don’t ever give up on Him. You may even give up on yourself. But He will never ever give up on you. Even if you don’t come to Him. Even if you never surrender, He will still fight for you. His love is the love that never dies, never fades or falters. His love is eternal. You will never find a love on Earth that is that special. If you need a reason to live, look up at the sky. You are made from love and you are worth loving. You don’t know how special you are. It doesn’t matter what you have done and haven’t done….grace is for you. Just say Jesus..I believe in you even though I can’t see you or touch you. I believe that you have a promise for me. Come into my heart and help me fight this fight. And he will be there. If you need someone to lift you up in prayer, don’t hesitate to email me.
Take care, my lovelies.