Thankful

I was in the shower, in full worship mode. For some reason, when I am near water, something rises in my spirit and makes me feel alive. Anyways..I was singing. Just two words over and over. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

The more and more I walk in this life, the more thankful I become. I had nothing in the beginning of the year. I was jobless, penniless, friend-less. I was trying to save money when I had very little. I sacrificed even more than I had. I’m not saying this to brag. I’m just letting you know I was in a bad place. And I had given up on hope and on myself. And that lack of hope…if I can be frank…was seeping into my relationship with God. Little did I know, God was working behind the scenes.

Behind the scenes of my heartbreak. BUT….came forth a vision. A vision to start writing again. To write a book. To work at a hospital. To help the lost and brokenhearted.

And for that…I am truly thankful. He had turned everything around in due time. I am thankful for the new experiences. The new journeys. The new church I will find. The new people I will meet at my job. The new. I am thankful for the new. I am thankful for His grace. I am thankful for His provision. I am thankful for the gift of salvation. I am thankful to have hands, arms, legs, feet. I am thankful that I have a voice, to be heard and used for His glory. I am thankful that I didn’t get the things I thought I wanted. I am thankful for the adventures I have with Jesus. Knowing Him is the best adventure you will ever experience.

You could climb the highest mountain and yet nothing could compare to holy ground. When I spend time with Him, I feel like I can fly. I feel like I am fearless. I feel like I will always be in His shadow of protection, His mighty wings. I feel like I am seeing more beauty in Him. Seeing Him in different ways. He is the best friend I’ve ever had. He is my King and I long to please Him. 

I used to envy people when they had relationships with each other because I’ve never had one. But…I will say this. If people knew what I have with God, they would envy my relationship. And they should. Everyone should know God the way I know Him. That does sound boastful, but it is true.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in him

The Winter of Discontent

[answering the phone] Hello, you’ve reached the winter of our discontent. That is a line said by Troy Dyer a.k.a. Ethan Hawke on one of my favorite movies, “Reality Bites.” (Yes it is a pseudo post adolescent nostalgic movie with a great cast from that time. But…I can relate to it. It more than just a typical 90’s movie. It is about growing up, accepting that you can’t change the past and becoming your own person.)

Every time I watch it, I get different lessons from it. I’m finding that a lot of people are struggling with depression and the thought of giving up. I think Robin Williams death is letting these issues surface even more. I’m glad in a way that people are seeing this as an epidemic. I too, struggle with thoughts of depression. About a month and a half, it hit me. Hard. Harder than ever. And those thoughts that I thought were gone came back. Suicidal thoughts. I thought about giving up completely. What is the point in wishing for more? What is the point in wanting a better life? What is the point of life? What is the point of this suffering and pain?? And why do I have to keep enduring it??

Before I went to my job, I would sob. I would struggle to get out of bed. It wasn’t my current financial situations. It wasn’t that I was becoming an introvert. It was that I was completely unhappy and miserable. I was being tortured by my own misery. I would lie in my bed at night, wishing it would change. I flat out said to God, point blank, “I am throwing in the towel. I don’t care if I live. If you want me to keep living, then live through me. You’re going to have to live for me. I don’t have the will anymore.”

People say God doesn’t hear or answer prayers. Well, in my case, He did. I don’t know how he did it and I’m not even going to analyze the greatness that He performed. But it was a miracle. He breathed new life into me. He turned my sorrow and sadness into uncontainable joy that I cannot even fathom. He has given me a new dream. He has given me my vision. My voice. He has given me clarity. He picked me up from the pit I was throwing myself in and rescued me. This isn’t the first time.

One time, years ago, I had purposely overdosed on prescription pills. I was in the lowest pit of depression. By His mercy, I didn’t end up in the hospital. He had grace on me. Anyways, I thought that was going to be my one downfall. But it wasn’t. A month and a half ago, I had these demons crawling inside my head telling me…”I’m not enough. I’m not worthy. I’m not holy. I’m nothing.” Lies. Lies. Lies.

You might be experiencing these same thoughts. Let me tell you what they are. Lies. 

You are enough.

You are everything in this world to God. 

Your beauty is immeasurable. 

Your heart is gold. 

You are priceless.

Just like He picked me up, He can do the same for you. Just call out. Sob. Cry. Moan. Groan. Whatever gets you on your knees. Whatever leads you to call His name. DO IT. Do not take your life. Because that would mean, that Jesus’ death was worthless. That would be a slap in the face to salvation.

So you want to know what is the point of living? So you can die to those thoughts. God made you for a reason. He might have given you a talent that no one else has. And you are the only one that can do it. Just because you are broken does not mean you can’t be used. In fact, you can be used in a greater way because you are broken. You are not the only one. There are many people in the same boat. But if you choose to drown, how can you keep someone else from drowning? Don’t be selfish and give up on that person too. You are meant to change someone’s life. 

That is how it works. God can change your life and then you can change someone else’s. That is the point. He heals us so that we can be used by Him to heal others. Broken hearts. Illness. Depression. Slavery. Loss.

Don’t choose to be indifferent. Choose to be different. Make a difference. And tell those voices to shut up in Jesus name. Try it sometime. That is the most powerful name you can say. It has the most power. It is the holiest of all names.

Love you all friends!!

Stay strong and don’t stop fighting the fight!!

-M

Real Men Don’t Go to “Gentlemen’s” Clubs.

I was just thinking about this today. While driving mid town, I saw all of these signs for “gentlemen’s” clubs. I’m sorry, but to me that is a total contradiction. Real men don’t go to gentlemen’s clubs. Real gentlemen don’t go to clubs where watching women degrade themselves is a form of entertainment. Now, mind you, these women are doing it willingly. And sometimes unwillingly. They are blinded by money. They are just sad. Most of them are abused and desensitized. But the men who willingly give their money and cheat on their wives are worse. They contribute to the degradation of our society. Perversion is a form of injustice.

It is an injustice to us women. It degrades the whole idea of a woman’s body, as well as a man’s. It is a disgusting practice to strip. First off, here is what stripping really is.

It is stripping away of more than clothes. It is stripping them of their beauty. It is stripping of their character. It is stripping away their dignity. It is stripping away the purpose of a woman/man. It is stripping them of the very core of their soul.

That is what stripping really is, guys and girls. Our bodies were not meant to be on display. That’s why department stores have mannequins. We were not meant to be in a position where someone puts a price tag on our bodies.

Back to stripping and adult entertainment. I disagree with it completely. I will admit I do admire the male physique. But I do not agree with gyrating or desecrating my single dollar bills for it. It does not turn me on. This goes the same for men.

Men that strip are also being objectified as a piece of meat. Not a person. Nowadays, a six or thirteen pack are more important than the guy’s integrity. A busty balcony on a woman is more important than the level of her character. And I’m sad to be living in a world like that. This just feeds the fantasy. This feeds someone’s sex addiction. This feeds the spirit of adultery. This increases the wealth of the pornography industry.

Bit by bit, sex trafficking is becoming more accepted. And this is how it starts. “Gentlemen’s clubs”. A guy can say that he hates sex trafficking, but goes to a strip club. Real gentlemen open doors. Real gentlemen buy flowers for the girl they love. They don’t watch them lower themselves into a pile of dirt. They don’t commit adultery in their hearts and even physically. 

Same goes for women. Real women don’t become infatuated with the perfect male form. Real women don’t look for a guy with a big wallet. They look for a guy with a big heart. 

What you see is what you get. If you look at someone like a piece of meat, then that will be all you get. Meat that isn’t fully cooked. All looks, little brains. Or a cute guy or girl who will cheat on you for someone prettier or younger. When you look for a women solely on the shape of her body, that’s all you get. The superficial attract the superficial. And that never lasts long. What you put out there…what you project, ladies and gentlemen, is what you will attract. Real love develops after infatuation subsides.

So next time, you think about how disgusting the world is becoming, think about what you may be contributing to it. You could have a hand in stopping it. You could have a hand in stopping injustice. There is nothing glamorous about a woman on a pole. There is nothing glamorous about the women being abused, threatened and violated before they have to be on that pole. There is nothing glamorous about a man who rips off his pants and is left in nothing but a speedo. The more you strip away, the more you have a hard time finding your real self. I feel sympathy for the people who do this. They are lost. They are settling for less than what they really are. They are objectified and not really happy in what they do. I’m sure they feel shame. I’m sure they feel degraded. Pray for them. That is not the life God intends for them.

Be real ladies. Be real gentlemen. Your boyfriends/girlfriends and future wives/husbands will thank you for it.

(This post was a bit emotional. It’s only because I get really passionate about things that bother me. This is one of those topics.)

Stay strong and I love you all!,

-M

Skype-ing God

Just a random thought occurred to me. With all of our technology advances, it’s too bad we can’t just sign on Skype and talk to God. Wait. We can. It’s called praying. Think about it like this. There is someone who loves you who cannot wait another minute to talk to you. You can reach Him anytime. He wants to talk to you for hours. He wants to hear your hopes and dreams. He wants to hear you cry when the world lets you down. He wants to be a part of your everyday. Why don’t you talk to Him? 

I admit, with the busyness of my day…it’s hard for me to find time. But…driving on the way to work is where I get at least a good half hour with Him. I can’t Skype Him. But he is a click away from my heart. I can dial to wherever He is. I can’t see HIS face on the screen. But I can feel his heart. I know that He loves me.

The same goes for you. That relationship you’ve been longing for?? It’s already there for you. It is the best relationship you will ever invest your heart into. Because He is like no one else. He will not break your heart. He will not hurt you. He starts a change in you. He sees you the minute you wake up to the moment you go to sleep. He gives you dreams. He gives you vision. So many times, I see relationships with other people develop and increase because of technology. Skype, Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. If only we could reach God that fast. But wait. We can.

He can be there in the blink of an eye. He will always be there, waiting for your call. He will always be there to talk to you. Don’t ignore that. You never know what is waiting for you on the other end.

I was singing in my car this morning….”Take me back to the place where I was found. Take me back to the heart that won your crown. Take me back to the place where I belong. In your arms.”

It wasn’t posted on a pic or video for everyone to see. But that’s how private it can be. No one else around. Just me, sitting in my car….for a moment of grace. For a moment of peace. If we could connect to God faster than technology, imagine how the world would be and become. Oh wait. We can.

Think of praying as if you are talking to your best friend. It doesn’t have to be creative. It doesn’t have to be spiritual. It just has to be genuine. When I had friends…I wouldn’t even feel the need to edit what I said. I didn’t feel the need to sound intellectual. That is how praying can be. Just being real. Open and honest. God doesn’t expect perfection in everything we say and do for Him. He just expects us to strive to be half the version that Jesus was. We will never achieve perfection. But we can achieve character. 

Here is my prayer for you:

“Father, give us grace. Give us a new way of communicating to you. And instead of asking what you can give, we ask what we can give to you. Help us to see you in a new way, more clearly. Help us to see you as our best friend. Help us to grow and gain more knowledge of who you are. “

And if you are not even a believer of God and are curious to know about this whole “Christian” thing….Let me sum it up for you what I believe to be true in my heart.

You are on this planet for a reason. You were created out of love from a Father. A Father who sent his son, Jesus Christ, as a catalyst to save you from eternal death. You are not too broken to be used. You are not too perfect to be unused. You are loved and you are chosen. You can be forgiven, no matter how much wrong you may/may have not done. There is hope. There is peace for you.

Just say this prayer.

“Jesus, thank you for dying for me. I don’t understand why you did. But thank you. Come into my life and my heart. Show me how to live in the fullness of you. Make me new and whole again.”

That’s all. It doesn’t matter where you are. Whether you are living in a mansion or a flea bag motel. Whether you are living in the projects or the suburbs. None of that matters. What matters is that you are here for a special time on Earth. Don’t squander that. Those dreams you dream? They are from Him. Read the Bible. It might not be easy to understand at first. But…it’s there for you.

I love you all with my whole heart,

-M

Alien in A Celebrity World

When I was a little girl, all I wanted was to be famous. To be an actress. To be well known. To declare a name for myself. I used to watch so many television shows and movies. I used to mimic scenes for people to entertain them. I was in a few plays. It was everything I wanted to be and more. I wanted the limelight. I wanted the fame. And now that I’m older, that feeling fades more and more. Instead, I am an alien in a celebrity loving world. I am ok with that. I am ok with not having my public life seen in the tabloids. And I am ok with not compromising everything I believe in. All that glitters isn’t gold. My gold rests in who I belong to. Whose child I am. I am a child of the King and He shines through me. Celebrities never get rest. Aliens do. I am proud to be an alien. I am honored to be in God’s world. I am honored to belong to him.

Would you rather be a celebrity or an alien? Aliens are different. Celebrities are becoming more common. Aliens have different skin. Celebrities look the same. Aliens have a different language. Celebrities have scripts they rehearse. Celebrities keep up appearances. Aliens are hardly seen as much. What is the point of comparison? The ones who are kept are mostly hidden. We are like treasures in a closed chest. So, yes you are giving up making a name for yourself in order to keep His name sparkling. It is a sacrifice for me to forfeit the pursuit of acting and singing. But just as Francesca Battistelli’s song says “I don’t need my name in lights, I’m famous in my Father’s eyes. Make no mistake, He knows my name.” God has a way of making us feel special. Even if it’s not publicly known. We should not live for the applause of men/women. We should live for the sake of Jesus. I would rather be an unknown alien than a well known celebrity. That life can be unsatisfying. We weren’t made to be glorified ourselves. We were made to bring glory to the King of Glory.

On another note, I am continuing my pursuit of writing my book. I could write all day if I didn’t have obligations or responsibilities. But…I find that when I do, I pray on what to write and how to write. If it doesn’t come from my heart or is not led by the Holy Spirit, it is not going to be on paper.

Take care loves,

-M

The Kept Ones…

We are the kept ones. We are the ones who have been called. We are the ones who live as Christ. We are the ones who have been sheltered from a world of fear. Of hatred. We are the ones who have felt solitude. Who have felt isolation. 

Usually in my life, I moan and groan about it. I sacrifice more and more. And then I blame Him for the sacrifice. Why? Why are people allowed to experience love with each other? Men and women, holding hands, hearts united. Why not me? Why have I been chosen to live the life, practically of a nun? Why do none of my dreams ever flourish and yet other people’s do? 

It is the life for us. We were called to live a life. But just to live it. Not to worship it. Not to make it our God. Some people do worship their lives, their relationships, their careers, etc. Overall, I have had a good life. I have great parents, who never abandoned me, never abused me. Never hit me. Never sold me. I have a job. It’s not the most lucrative job. But it is a job. And at least I am not making minimum wage. I am making just enough to pay my bills. Not to live the life of the rich and famous. Not to spend lavish gifts on myself. I have food. Food which I have more than enough. I am not starving. I overindulge at times. I have never had a relationship. Never felt the intimate touch from a man. I was robbed from a special experience at the hand of a mentally disabled man. And since that day I was 8 years old, I have never wanted or even had the privilege of kissing or even holding hands with a guy. 

Sometimes I cry in my pillow at night, wishing for a man to come and rescue me from this cloud of loneliness. Yet, he hasn’t come. Does this mean I don’t love God with all of my heart? No. But..I have the intense longing for another man, which never seems to go away. And the more I think about it, the more cynical I become that it will ever happen. One night after crying myself to sleep, I said this to God…”Why? Why have I never experienced the love that other people are able to share with each other? Why do I never get romantic scenes or moments with someone that I care for and that cares for me? Why must I live this life of solitude and confinement.” And this little voice whispered in my ear, “You are one of the kept ones.” 

The kept ones. I kept wondering what that meant. Somehow, that gave me peace. Like I am being kept for a special purpose. I have been untouched for a special person. I have been meant for more than what was originally intended. And so…it is sort of birthing in my spirit a book that I might feel led to write. Because I feel that I am not alone in this. There are other people, men and women, searching for purpose. Searching for purpose through their purity. Searching for the keys to unlock God’s heart. This could be a new dream. I laid down my dream and desire to be a worship leader. This doesn’t mean I will stop singing. But I will stop pursuing it. And I’m in a new search. A new pursuit. Something greater than me. I feel like people will relate to my words and my life. I feel that it will give them a renewed hope and birth something new inside their hearts. 

So that is what I wanted to share lately. I know there are a select few who read this blog. But to those who do, I cherish you. I wish the very best for you. And I wish for you to know God like I do. To know Jesus as your Savior. And to let the Holy Spirit work His way in your lives. 

Here is my prayer for you. 

God, I pray that you give every person that reads this direction and purpose. For them to find their path through knowing you. For them to keep their hearts pure in spirit and in truth. For you to put people in their life that will speak encouragement and wisdom. That they will will grasp for knowledge and hunger for more of you. To know you fully and understand your will for their lives. Protect their bodies and their minds. Protect their futures and promises. In Jesus name, Amen.

 

Maybe none of what I wrote makes sense to you. Maybe that guy didn’t call you back or text you when you thought he would. Maybe that girl ignored you. Maybe love, in general, has never worked out for you. That could be a confirmation that you are not in the right place or time. That you have a bigger purpose than falling in love. You have a bigger purpose than getting married and having babies. You have a bigger purpose than you even know. Don’t lose heart and hope. Maybe your future has something more fulfilling than any relationship. And in order for that to begin, you must have your first relationship experience. With God Himself. He is keeping you for Himself. You are one of the kept ones.

Stay strong loves, 

-M