The Winter of Discontent

[answering the phone] Hello, you’ve reached the winter of our discontent. That is a line said by Troy Dyer a.k.a. Ethan Hawke on one of my favorite movies, “Reality Bites.” (Yes it is a pseudo post adolescent nostalgic movie with a great cast from that time. But…I can relate to it. It more than just a typical 90’s movie. It is about growing up, accepting that you can’t change the past and becoming your own person.)

Every time I watch it, I get different lessons from it. I’m finding that a lot of people are struggling with depression and the thought of giving up. I think Robin Williams death is letting these issues surface even more. I’m glad in a way that people are seeing this as an epidemic. I too, struggle with thoughts of depression. About a month and a half, it hit me. Hard. Harder than ever. And those thoughts that I thought were gone came back. Suicidal thoughts. I thought about giving up completely. What is the point in wishing for more? What is the point in wanting a better life? What is the point of life? What is the point of this suffering and pain?? And why do I have to keep enduring it??

Before I went to my job, I would sob. I would struggle to get out of bed. It wasn’t my current financial situations. It wasn’t that I was becoming an introvert. It was that I was completely unhappy and miserable. I was being tortured by my own misery. I would lie in my bed at night, wishing it would change. I flat out said to God, point blank, “I am throwing in the towel. I don’t care if I live. If you want me to keep living, then live through me. You’re going to have to live for me. I don’t have the will anymore.”

People say God doesn’t hear or answer prayers. Well, in my case, He did. I don’t know how he did it and I’m not even going to analyze the greatness that He performed. But it was a miracle. He breathed new life into me. He turned my sorrow and sadness into uncontainable joy that I cannot even fathom. He has given me a new dream. He has given me my vision. My voice. He has given me clarity. He picked me up from the pit I was throwing myself in and rescued me. This isn’t the first time.

One time, years ago, I had purposely overdosed on prescription pills. I was in the lowest pit of depression. By His mercy, I didn’t end up in the hospital. He had grace on me. Anyways, I thought that was going to be my one downfall. But it wasn’t. A month and a half ago, I had these demons crawling inside my head telling me…”I’m not enough. I’m not worthy. I’m not holy. I’m nothing.” Lies. Lies. Lies.

You might be experiencing these same thoughts. Let me tell you what they are. Lies. 

You are enough.

You are everything in this world to God. 

Your beauty is immeasurable. 

Your heart is gold. 

You are priceless.

Just like He picked me up, He can do the same for you. Just call out. Sob. Cry. Moan. Groan. Whatever gets you on your knees. Whatever leads you to call His name. DO IT. Do not take your life. Because that would mean, that Jesus’ death was worthless. That would be a slap in the face to salvation.

So you want to know what is the point of living? So you can die to those thoughts. God made you for a reason. He might have given you a talent that no one else has. And you are the only one that can do it. Just because you are broken does not mean you can’t be used. In fact, you can be used in a greater way because you are broken. You are not the only one. There are many people in the same boat. But if you choose to drown, how can you keep someone else from drowning? Don’t be selfish and give up on that person too. You are meant to change someone’s life. 

That is how it works. God can change your life and then you can change someone else’s. That is the point. He heals us so that we can be used by Him to heal others. Broken hearts. Illness. Depression. Slavery. Loss.

Don’t choose to be indifferent. Choose to be different. Make a difference. And tell those voices to shut up in Jesus name. Try it sometime. That is the most powerful name you can say. It has the most power. It is the holiest of all names.

Love you all friends!!

Stay strong and don’t stop fighting the fight!!

-M

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